Just a post to say :: Here I Am!

A peek into my day to day.

#haircut. I got my hair chopped : six inches off. It was one of those desperation cuts, call two hours before, get me in or I'm doing something drastic. The woman who cut my hair had Justin Beiber hair - when I'm cooler, I'll be able to pull that off.

#pinterest. I became addicted to Pinterest - that awesome little website that lets me 'pin' pictures of scarves and sunsets, weddings and nail polish, tattoos and shoes (yes I have a whole board dedicated to tattoo ideas). It is a time consumer (but not a waster) and hey, I've got tons of ideas stored away whenever I decide to get creative.

#photo366. My friend April and her friend Erin have come up with this awesome photo a day project! With a daily prompt and Instagram at my fingertips, it has been such a fun way to see my day to day through a different lens. I am loving it! Besides the awesome shots and cool pictures, I love the connection social media offers. So cool. Join us!

#davidcrowder. A final show at Forest Hill, dude rocked a hat, full beard, guitar, heart for Jesus and some hilarious stories. Such a great night of worship with some awesome girls!

#advancelifegroup. Probably one of my favorite parts of the week. These girls love, desire, and live Jesus. So honored, thrilled, humbled to be a part of their journey!

#exodus. Still in awe of God. The theme of rescue, redemption, relationship is shouting forth from His Word. I'm resonating with the Israelites, the ones God loved, sought, rescued, redeemed, and the ones who can't seem to understand to trust the Father as the source of manna. What a hard lesson to learn in the trusting of God every day.

#faithtobestrong. Andrew Peterson's song says, "give us faith to be strong, give us strength to be faithful. Give us peace when we're torn, give us grace to go on."

#goodnews. And the good news is, the good news of all of the hard stuff and the pain and the hurt and all the sin, is that there is a God who came down, who rescued us, who is among us, because He loves. He created us, we sinned against, He pursued and loved and faced the shame and condemnation of a cross to free us from the condemnation of sin. That's life changing, life saving good news. Don't give up! There's a God who loves you fiercely!

Israelite, Just Like Me

I've been reading Exodus, post-exodus. The Israelites have just been led out of Egypt, out of captivity, and they've come grumbling and complaining. I'd rather be in captivity where I had food to eat than led out here to this wilderness! And God gives them manna, graciously provides daily food from the sky, and gives them guidelines on how to live. Gather what you can eat for the day, but only that. The sixth day, gather twice as much because on the seventh day, there will be none. This Sabbath, this instruction from the Lord, this pattern of gathering and resting, will provide a structure for how Israel is to live.

In the morning, you shall be filled with bread. Then you shall know that I am the LORD your God.

Then in chapter 20, God speaks to Moses and defines the kind of life that He calls for His people to live. The Ten Commandments indicate how Israel, and us too, are to remain faithful to the Lord. Love God, love people. These commandments aren't to be a set of rules to show us how we have strayed. God didn't create these commandments to use as a checklist - did that, haven't done that. We are in desperate need of God, of Jesus, of a Savior because we fail miserably at loving God and loving people. And what I love is that God provided. He didn't stay far away and hope His people figured out how to love Him. He didn't lead them out and let them aimlessly wander. He gave them direction, rhythm, structure, comfort, provision, compassion. Remember Me. I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery! When things look scary and desperate, I am still the same God who led you out of Egypt.

There's something strange about these Israelites. I am one of them. There's a wonderful comfort in this God who rescues and who loves His people. When they don't trust Moses. When they say they'd rather be held captive again. When they don't listen to his guidelines. When they gather more manna when they need. When they don't trust that God will daily provide. God says, I am the LORD your God. LINDSAY, I am the LORD your God.

The Armor that is Jesus

I've been reading a lot of different things - Exodus, Ephesians, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I've taken pages of notes and I know there is a connection. I put off writing until I find the big connection, the big answer. I put off writing because I can't put it into words. God, what are you teaching me?? Because I know this is important! This is life changing, soul surviving, Gospel living important!

It is a difficult, but amazing perspective to see life through the lens of gift. Every moment is wrapped in a gift because every moment is God. And our part is the choice in how to respond to each moment. We can refuse, reject, respond miserably, or get down in gratitude and find the joy.

Every moment, we choose. Every single moment.

To remember we've got our armor, the armor of Ephesians that is Jesus Christ.

To remember we are loved infinitely and passionately by this wonderful, holy, righteous God and that this God wants to fight for us.

I read in Exodus this past week, this endless cycle of the Lord saying to Moses, Moses going to Pharaoh, Pharaoh saying no, hardening his heart, asking for relief but not submitting to God, and then plagues and plagues of devastation. We come to know Moses, this great leader and man of God, as a man who killed and fled, who literally said to God 'Please Lord, send someone else.' I can't speak and I am not eloquent of tongue, Moses says. There must be someone better!

But what strikes me about what happens in the following narrative is how many times the Lord says to him, 'Go in to Pharaoh. Present yourself before him. Go in to him. Stand.'

Stand.

Stand.

Stand.

Enter those courts and declare from your mouth what you have heard from the Lord.

I will be with you.

The armor of God that Paul writes about in Ephesians 6 has striking similarities. Interwoven between descriptions of breastplates and helmets and shoes, it says to stand. Stand firm. Stand your ground. And never stop praying.

Stand, because God is with you.

To read page after page, verse after verse of this astounding God in Exodus is almost breathtaking. He pursues a relationship with the Israelites, the enslaved people, and He desires for His person and His power to be known. He wants to fight for them. As the Israelites are crossing the Red Sea, the Egyptians say "Let us flee from before Israel, for the Lord fights for them against the Egyptians."

And then that Song of Moses gets lifted to the Lord and it is truly praiseworthy.

These words and this fight strike me to the core because I've been on a mission. Since the beginning of January, I have worked to be more disciplined. I've made schedules and lists and goals because I see that as my version of being proactive and fighting. And it felt good because I was choosing all these things and I was making them happen. Go me! I've got my armor!

And then I spoke to friends who said the armor of God really is Jesus. It is truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation, the Word of God. And then I read Exodus 14:14.

Brakes, to the ground, screeching halt.

And Moses said to the people, "Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."

I think of all the ways I want to fight lies and all the ways I want to grab pitchforks and torches and I'm confused by the 'be silent' part. When I'm running ahead at a million miles an hour and I'm gathering supplies and commanding strategies - I don't get the 'be still' ask. There's something about it that really trips me up. I try to get around it and think 'I'll fight with my actions.' But God says 'stop. I've got you. I want you. Let me fight for you. I love you FIERCELY.'

And maybe the silent part of Exodus 14:14 doesn't mean inaction. It means stand firm, child, because you have Jesus.

My lists, they aren't bad. My goals of self-discipline, are good things. They are choice and gratitude and an honoring of gifts. But they are not my armor and they do not fight for me. I don't have to add Jesus + one. Because there is a God who so graciously provides, even when I am Israelite-ish and complain and say I'd rather be in slavery and I'm dying of thirst, He still brings daily manna from the sky.

What a change in perspective.

My favorite commercials are the ones for Florida Orange Juice. Seated around a kitchen table, there's someone pouring a glass of orange juice while everyone else around the table is telling OJ-drinking person what their day is going to look like. Flat tire, hard drive erased, disrespectful children, late for work. And the person with the orange juice responds every time with 'excellent! perfect! bring it on! good thing I have my orange juice!'

And I imagine that's what our responses are when we start our day not with orange juice, but with the Word of God, when we root ourselves in the knowledge that we are armed with Jesus. We say 'bring it on' to the hard stuff because we know Jesus sustains us.

In this season of waiting I find myself in, the Lord says do not fear, be still, stand firm, do not cease to pray, I am with you. Do not be so quick to 'do,' but be quick to listen. The choice to see, honor, worship, choose Jesus in each moment is the best way to fight.

Know

The Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD (Exodus 7:5).

Was God just wanting the Egyptians to know He existed?

The first part of the second book of the Bible is this crazy stubborn, hard hearted Pharaoh refusing to heed God's command. Over and over again, God shows Himself as more powerful than the most powerful nation in the land. Take that, Egyptian gods. Over and over again, God speaks to His messenger Moses and says you shall know.

I've been thinking a lot about the word know. Having knowledge of God, God's big Exodus purpose of revealing Himself, of the Egyptians knowing His power and His person. I've been thinking the past few days, is knowledge just about the learning and gaining of information?

Part of me says no, duh. Knowledge is about how we use that information! Put it into practice - even the demons believe! But maybe, I think, I AM WHO I AM is saying it's more.

Knowledge is less about a cognitive recognition or acknowledgment. It's more about a posture, our posture.

Psalm 46 paints one of my favorite pictures in Scripture. I imagine total and utter chaos, destruction, the fires of Mordor with Sam and Frodo helplessly hanging on. It is a devastating picture. The earth is giving way, mountains are falling into the heart of the sea, kingdoms fall. But the psalmist repeats over and over - The LORD is with us! God is in the midst. A very present help in trouble.

Then he writes, Be still and know.

Know. There's that word again!

I wonder why it's there. Not be still and believe, or be still and trust, but be still and know. Know that God is good, know that He is present, know that He is faithful. To know.

Looking through the lens of posture, knowledge becomes worship. Knowledge is relationship. One step further than just having the knowledge that He is there. We take a posture of belief and trust when we know that God is God. Not just knowing that He exists, but knowing His mightiness, His power, His characteristics.

The world is falling away! There is chaos - I don't know what to do! Know that I am God.

These plagues and death and disease throughout the land - I am fearful. Know that I am the LORD.

I don't feel you close - are you there God? Be still, cease striving, and know that I am God.

What am I supposed to do with my life!? Where are you calling me? Know.

God's been working on my heart through this idea and I can't help but think of the hard truth of what it means. When the earth falls away, the world crumbles, even if we're swallowed up with it, God is still so so good, He is still mighty and holy and faithful.

What?

But maybe that's the part of the know that I am the most stubborn to adopt. When there is hope and healing and A + B = C, that's the kind of God I can believe in! But when there isn't, do I still believe in a God who is good? When He does deliver us and make us whole but not until heaven and people die, what is my posture?

When God feels silent, do I know?

Adopt a posture of knowing God by believing in His love. Fall on knees and know through the life and death of Jesus Christ. He is Emmanuel, God with us. He is mighty and powerful and sovereign and holy and He will deliver you.

His character does not change with our circumstances.

A Pause

A year-end pause.

What I'm listening to.

Mumford & Sons.

Kari Jobe.

JJ Heller.

Ryan Gosling's band Dead Man's Bones, complete with piano and children's choir.

Phil Wickham, always.

What I'm watching.

Parks and Recreation, Season Two. Amy Poehler is running through my mind.

Sherlock Holmes, A Game of Shadows. A genius film, perfected by the brilliance of Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law. I left the theatre wishing people still dressed like that (hats? canes? trousers? overcoats? so.cool). I know Sherlock and I would be friends, with his penchant for details and his art of observation. Holmes, you make thinking look so cool.

What I'm reading.

A Study in Scarlet, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. The first in the Sherlock Holmes collection! Dr. John Watson and Sherlock Holmes have just met - I'm pumped for the adventures to come!

The Only Necessary Thing, a collection of writings on prayer by Henri Nouwen.

"Our ability to think is our greatest gift, but it is also the source of our greatest pain. Do we have to become victims of our unceasing thoughts? No, we can convert our unceasing thinking into unceasing prayer by making our inner monologue into a continuing dialogue with our God, who is the source of all love. Let's break out of our isolation and realize that Someone who dwells in the center of our beings wants to listen with love to all that occupies and preoccupies our minds."

Rereading One Thousand Gifts, a treasure by Ann Voskamp.

Exodus. Beginning book two of the Holy Bible.

What I think you should read.

A beautiful blog post a friend wrote on the Hunger Games and the armor of God. Read even if the name Katniss doesn't send chills up your arm. From my friend's beautiful mind to yours - she's a gift. www.werewolfjesus.com

What I'm learning.

What I am learning. whew. It's still processing and unfolding, but it's exciting! I am learning gratitude, that giving thanks is the key to the fullest life in Christ. I am learning to fight, to use the armor of God. I am learning discipline, in all things. I am learning the expanse of a big, big God, an I AM WHO I AM kind of God. It changes everything.

What I'm memorizing.

Psalm 51. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

What I'm remembering.

Our God came. In the form of a tiny baby. He came because He loves us. He loves what He created. What a love.

Take a pause. Then keep going.

Sit With Me

Max Braverman, a boy with Asperger's syndrome and a desire to see dinosaurs, takes matters into his own hands. He boards a city bus and goes out on his own to find the museum. Minutes measured in TV time later, he is found wandering the streets and is brought home in the back of a police car to face his worried family. The first thing from his mouth-- can he feed his lizard?

Haddie Braverman, teenage sister, is upset. Max, she calmly says, do you know what happened today? Do you know that you can't just walk off without telling anyone? Max's attention is not holding and he is not caring and Haddie's emotion builds. The things she's held so tight instead force their way out - THIS ISN'T FAIR. We try so hard. It's not fair. She flees the scene crying and her brother is asking for his lizard.

Adam Braverman, father, makes his way into his daughter's room after the chaos of the day. He sits on her bed and hears her apologies. He explains that things are hard for her, she handles a lot, and a causal nod of the head and Haddie says it's fine. An attempt to brush it off, Adam looks at her and says no it's not fine.

I guess it's not fine, but it is the way that it is.

I'm sorry it's hard.

I know it's not his fault, but it just sucks a little.

Yeah. It does.

And with her tear stained eyes, he holds her close.

No reprimand or words to fill silence. An honest look, an honest affirmation, a courageous dive into the scary things we face. A powerful interchange of understanding. You're not alone. I know.

There are the things in our lives we can't control. Even the things we can control. With our gallant efforts, we work so hard! We do our best, we make do, we smile, we nod, and sometimes we snap. We scream, we yell, we cry, we allow ourselves to feel the weight. THIS ISN'T FAIR. In that moment when it hits, that powerful reaction, when we snap, when the facade wears thin, when we're sad, when we're confused, is for someone to say yeah. it does. i know.

The value of someone just sitting with you.

Reading through the book of Job gives you a good sense of what bad community looks like. A best friend and I read through the book last year and it helped us redefine our friendship. Our friendship of sitting with each other. A friendship without empty words or loud encouragement. A friendship of presence. As Job, if all is stripped away and we are left with nothing but our lives in shambles, I know I will look to my right and see her sitting with me. The silence of her presence will mean everything.

So sit with me.

I'll sit with you.

When words aren't enough and advice won't do and you don't know what to do and life is tricky, I'll tell you 'yeah. i know.' And then we'll sit together, sometimes in silence but always in love, and we'll patiently watch the work of God melt our human hearts and point us.

Sit with me.

Life as Worship

I've been David these days. I'm floundering and stumbling after God, misunderstanding Him and grabbing at works. I'm stuck in His grace, frantically looking for an answer - is this really as good as it sounds? My tiny ant brain is forcing itself to define the magnitude of God and when it can't, I strip Him of that power.. because it seems less frightening than grasping that the God that formed man from dust, breathed life into man, guided eternity to salvation, loves me so intimately. Doesn't that take your breath away?

When Moses asks 'who should I say sent me' and God says I AM WHO I AM, I fight to understand. And my sinfulness says, but how do I earn that?

Jesus is a gift, a gift we cannot earn. I read who this mighty, powerful God is and I am moved by the act of taking on flesh. The act of dying a crucifixion death, of coming alive, of the promise of return. And I fumble through my days with lack of discipline, vowing that I can do it all on my own, with eyes bent on making it out on top. Is this really what I offer God in return? I lose sight and it is so frustrating.

I battle. I want to give God perfection. But this unattainable goal only produces mounds of frustration and guilt and the realization that that will never happen. I slip into defining the gift of Christ by worldly standards - you give me a gift, I give one back. You gave me the gift of life? I don't know how to give you anything in return. I am human, sinful, broken, my heart is so ugly sometimes. Will you take that?

And I'm realizing God answers that question with a resounding yes.

From David's heart, he cries in Psalm 51 to be washed in a cleanliness that comes only from the presence of God. 'Create in me a clean heart, O God,' David cries, 'and renew a right spirt within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.' What a beautiful, humbling confession.

My eye catches in verse 17 - 'my sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart.'

I flash to Romans where Paul writes of presenting our bodies as living sacrifices. I flash to the imperfect lives of the great cloud of witnesses in Hebrews, who stumbled and questioned, but who were counted righteous because of their faith. I jump to the Gospels and read the character of Jesus. I wrap my head around the fact that this love is something I will never be able to wrap my head around. But what I do rest in is that I can be thankful. God desires our hearts, our worship.

He knows what He's doing when He loves us unconditionally. He knows our limitations, our humanness, and when we cry out to Him, He is pleased. Scripture says that when we offer our bodies as living sacrifices, that is our spiritual worship. Giving the whole of our lives. I commit to giving God just that, the whole of my life, and I know that I'm not always going to. I know that I'm going to fall short, I know that will make my song sad, I know I'm going to forget God's character. But what a grace! And that I live by, no matter how humanly crazy it sounds.

Not a gift to understand fully, or to shake off nonchalantly, or to march forward defiantly. It is a gift to humbly fall down, to lay crowns at the feet of Jesus, and to live in gratitude. My life as worship. To humbly cry as David 'Lord have mercy!' And to humbly know He hears that cry. Then I begin to replace my vocabulary of 'try', 'harder', 'do your best'.. with 'posture', 'faith', 'worship', 'gratitude'.

My sacrifice is a broken and contrite heart and I transform and mold that, with the help of the Great Perfecter, into worship.

Life as worship.