Jacob's Journey

Back to blogging. Oh my word, this blog post was hard to come by. Originally posted on www.werewolfjesusbook.blogspot.com by my sweet friend Marri, here's where I am now (and learning to thank God for the hard graces)! 

hello readers!

i am the biggest fan of marri's. this is such a treat for me to write on her blog, to be a part of her story, to partner in her journey. you have no idea, this is such a gift for me to virtually be here.

so since i'm here, let's be honest with each other. i'm an honest writer, words are how my soul breathes, so let's just dive right in.

so since i'm here, 

i'm having a really hard time writing this.
i look back over my recent journey, over the last 3/4ths of 2012 and ponder and wonder and literally stand, mouth agape, at my life and at where He's led me. i couldn't begin to describe the heartache but the joy, the confusion but the peace, the uncertainty but the knowing God is God. 

and since i can't untangle and process through all of what God is doing with this part of my journey because it's not done yet, can i share someone else's journey? one of my favorite journeys, the journey of Jacob? would you so terribly mind that? (terribly mind? who am i, downton abbey?)

i've always been confused by jacob. he's a biblical character i haven't always understood. i think he's greedy and sneaky and selfish and prideful and his story is weird, isn't it? but then. that's who God loves to use. jacob always seemed like a wild card who didn't fit anybody's mold, a troublemaker that God was pursuing like crazy.

so in the story of jacob, he steals his brother esau's blessing and runs off to work seven years to marry rachel and has a dream about ladders to heaven. then he has lots of kids and becomes wealthy, runs away from his father in law, and then he finds out that his brother is after him. and he's afraid. he's distressed.

and so jacob is left alone in his camp and a man comes in the night and wrestles with him. and he keeps wrestling with jacob and jacob won't let go. the man touches his hip and jacob's hip is put out of joint, but jacob keeps wrestling through the pain. the man says, let me go! the day is coming. and jacob says NO. I WILL NOT LET GO UNTIL YOU BLESS ME. (i always gasp at this point in the story - the audacity!).
but then the man responds by asking him what his name is. "i'm jacob," he says. and the man says, "your name is no longer jacob, but ISRAEL, for you have striven with God and man and have prevailed." and then jacob is blessed by God. and jacob says, "i have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered."

i've been so intrigued by this exchange lately, this leg of jacob's journey. he wrestles, he doesn't let go, he's given a NEW name, he's blessed. i fear that if this had been me and if the man (God) had said let me go, i would have dropped the fight immediately. but he kept going. ann voskamp writes in her book "one thousand gifts" - "wrestle with God and beg to see the blessings."

and i think that's my biggest takeaway from crazy jacob. we can approach God and we can be real and we can say no! help me! blessings!? and we can cry out loudly. because we can believe that. He promises to be a God who not only hears our cries, but delivers and restores. i think this exchange can mean a lot of things. it means we can believe that God is a God who gives us blessings. and it's God that's in every wrestling - even and especially with people - and where there's God, there's good. how we respond to people is how we respond to the Lord.

we've striven with God. not against, but with. we're wrestling with God to find the 'what for, for what' of the brokenness we face. we're made new, given new names, and we're made more in the reflection of Jesus.

and the story continues. the next day, jacob meets his brother esau. esau runs up to jacob and embraces him and kisses him and they weep together. and in their exchange, jacob remarks, "God has dealt graciously with me." isn't that so good? the wrestling is grace.

so keep going. keep going. keep going. keep wrestling, keep fighting, keep honestly, boldly coming before God each and every day. He's not a friend who will gossip about what you've said, He's not someone you have to explain how you're feeling, He's not neutral about your existence. He loves you with a fiercely passionate love and He's good, He's really, really good. And it's your journey, your story - He's perfectly ordained it. He's gone before, He's right beside you, and He hems you in as you go.

blessed journey! may you wrestle and see all the many blessings of yours.

A Change, A Thank You

Hi friends! for those who read my blog.

You may have noticed (Rebecca Woodman :) that my posts have been fewer and more far between. This season has been rich and deep and very hard, but better than anything I could have ever dreamed or imagined. God is good, so good, so much more than I've ever known. And because of that, because of this hard, hard but deeply good season, I can't promise to post weekly (like I did before) and I can't promise that my daily journal writings will be blog ready. Because yes, I'll keep writing because it's so good for my soul. And yes, I'll keep learning because God is so near, even and especially in pain. 

So not now. This season of blogging is not now. And I've wrestled with this {I love blogging!} but I feel most certain that it's okay to pause, take deep breaths, and share my learnings later, when ready. 

This isn't forever! singingmysongwithgrace will always live because I am always learning to sing by grace and live full of grace. God is grace and it is Grace that always chases me. 
I'll be back and around and I'll pop in here and there. My learnings already are vast and deep and wide and so good - God is good, I can't wait to share! And who knows, in the meantime, maybe I'll use some guest bloggers.

So now's the time to especially and deeply thank friends and corner and readers and encouragers. All who read, all who shared, all who felt the need to offer a word, a comment, a prayer. This has been one of my strongest sources and senses of community and saying I'm thankful wouldn't be enough. Grateful beyond words. You are loved so much by me. 

I'll keep writing and learning and journeying on. Thanks for journeying with me. 
For real. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

The Worthiness of Women (Part I)

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a woman. Burdened with womanhood, burdened with the worthiness of women. Traveling to Africa on a mission trip to speak to young girls, dealing with my own levels of heartbreak, and sitting through a weekend's worth of the Ignite Justice conference can put some heavy things on your heart.

Can I say this without sounding feminist or angry or somehow anti-men? Because we're all created in the image of God and we're all broken and we're all in need of Someone to save us. We're all in this dance together, this process to Christ. 
But being a woman is hard. 
Being a young girl is hard, a teenage girl, a girl in her 20's, 30's, an adult woman. It's all hard. 

There's a global perspective to being a woman that I haven't always seen. There's a shame there that I haven't ever known. Speaking to 400 middle and high school aged girls in a school in Rwanda about their bodies and their God given worth as women, it suddenly became clear that the message of worthiness and the message of "you matter" meant more to these girls than I'd realized. And my sister, a missionary teacher in the Congo, always said that at their school, they always believed that "if you empower a woman, you empower a nation." Can you believe that? The value of that? You as a woman, God has a plan for you!

Working with teenagers at my church here in the United States, in Fort Mill, South Carolina, the girls face the pressures and the friends and the images of beauty and the images of what their bodies should look like and the boys, always the boys. There are so many messages, so many ways to communicate a message. Some of us have opportunities here that maybe all girls and women don't, but with all that's worldly (and there's a lot out there), there's that same need of that Gospel message, that same empowerment. Do our girls know that? Do they know that it doesn't matter what they look like, that if a boy's not ready or doesn't like them or told them he made a mistake, that never is and never will be a reflection of the wonderfully worthy and incredibly unique self they were made in the image of God to be? 

Just thinking out loud. It's not easy. Looking globally, looking at the issues that our women face, looking at the girls in our backyard. These girls are different, so different. Different families, different upbringings and backgrounds, different loves and passions, different scars and trials and fears. But these girls are the same. There's the need for the affirmation of Christ, for the restoring of dignity, for the girls in the slums, the girls in the brothels, the girls in our classes and in our churches and on our streets, for the unwanted and the abandoned and the left behind. There's a great need for us to partner and band together and shout loud BUT YOU ARE WORTHY. There are big things our girls are facing. But Beloved, that's what you are. There's so much strength in the brokenness. Power in empathy.

God values women. He created women. Jesus died for women. The Scriptural message of the worthiness of women is that they are loved so far and deep and wide. Mistakes made and pressures faced and relational hurts and pains - they were all absorbed by the power of the cross. Jesus came to make all that new. Those girls in Rwanda in the aftermath of that genocide, the girls in China, the girls in the United States having abortions and dealing with break ups and facing the pressures of identity. All facing the pressures of identity. What's the identity of a woman?

Jesus truly believed everyone had value. He really valued His creation. My friend Marri writes in her book, "He looked people in the eye, saw down to the deepest, most hidden corners of their soul, and He loved them. Not a pity love, or a duty love. He truly believed they were valuable."

And maybe that empowering of a woman happens when you take a girl by the face and you look her in the eye (in Rwanda, in the Congo, in Fort Mill, in your neighborhood) and you tell her - "you are worthy. you are wonderful. you are loved." Over and over again. Worthy. Wonderful. Loved. 

Dear 2012

Dear 2012, 

As my friend Marri would say, you were a superb year. 

You brought so many blessings, I couldn't even count them all. From January 1 to December 31, you were a collection of wrestlings and fightings and praise and grace and joy and blessings. And I couldn't be more grateful for you. 

What came in your days was a lot of love that drove me to my knees. And then once I got there, I wasn't sure what to do or say and then couldn't see. But underneath the layers of confusion and fear, was freedom. A most sweet kind of freedom that sings sweet riches of worth in Jesus. Boldly approach the throne of grace. 

Thanks for reminding me that our God is always, continuously, never ceasing, forevermore a good, good God. 

I love my new apartment. I love my new job. I love my boss. I love my life group. I love my corner. I love myself. I didn't just survive you, 2012. We thrived together - through all that was disguised as trial and came out as a deep blessing of the Father. Because, you know, He's most concerned with heart and our eternal character. There's always something bigger happening in the bigger picture, always. 

You were messy, 2012. Wonderfully messy. Thanks for showing me that the fight's worth it.

Love, Lindsay

A Pause

A year-end pause.

What I'm watching.
New Girl. Jess Day is all kinds of cool.
Les Miserables. Who said people can't sing everything they say? literallyeverythingtheysay. Absolutely, incredibly beautiful. 
Silver Linings Playbook. Bradley Cooper and Katniss.

What I'm reading. 
Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy, Eric Metaxas. History, biography, theology? Too good to be true. What a remarkable person. 

Poetry. ee cummings. Beauty with words. i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you. 

Help, Thanks, Wow: Three Essential Prayers, Anne Lamott. A new, unique look at prayer.

One Thousand Gifts Devotional, Ann Voskamp. Always Ann.

What I think you should read. 
My dear friend's blog, it's really quite beautiful. Her story, her fearlessness, her understanding of her Belovedness. Read, read, and cheer her on for her book! www.werewolfjesusbook.blogspot.com

What I'm loving. 
My apartment. It's beautiful! It's a space my own and I am so grateful for friends and family that helped and contributed skills, talents, time, paint, ideas, resources, creativity to make it so wonderful and lovely! It's really, really so lovely. 

Have I mentioned New Girl? I am loving Jess Day. Her hair, her glasses, her wit, her singing. Is she real? Doesn't matter. 

What I'm learning.
Step by step. I don't think I've ever learned step by step or process as much as I have through my apartment love story. It's been quite incredible. It's been piece by piece, step by step, and I've learned to appreciate every single piece that comes through my door. It's taught intentionality and gratitude and slowing down. So much beauty. There's a story for each piece, a person who helped make it, and I rejoice in the uniqueness and the love in each one. Versus the accumulation of things, the slow and steady beauty is really something else. It's making something my own,there's just something about making your first place your home. And the blessings for the putting together of a home have translated into the putting together of a faith. Oh the blessings!

Freedom. Always learning freedom. But this, this is a new dimension, a new facet, a new level and layer of what freedom means. To live and function fully in the freedom we've been given means we can choose. We can work out of the fullness of freedom. We can move. We don't have to sit, we don't have to walk in circles, we can move forward. It's okay to want good things because we are loved by a good God who created and loved us and has given us life new and has set us free. That's our worth! It's okay. Who says we can't be free?

Today's the day! We can choose. It's a gift. 

Be in love with your life. Every minute of it. - Jack Kerouac

What I'm remembering. 
I am a daughter of God. I am Beloved. That is who I am. The Father's love is incredible - how worthy I am! Rejoice! romans 8: 14-17. 

Take a pause. Then keep going.

Today's the Day

Today's the day. 

Throw off all that entangles and be set free.
Can't today be the day?

There's a God and the most magnificent Savior who holds our world and our lives and our plans so perfectly calm in His eye and in His hand. He has gone before, He is with us, He hems us in, He is in and among and all around. 

There is choice. We can choose how to act, how to be, how to think. We can choose to stay put, live in complacency, move forward. We can choose how we influence. We can choose to live each day with the knowledge of the love of our God and act most certainly, directly out of that. 

Sometimes I think there is a great tension between the two, but really there is not. Because our choice comes out of the greatness of our God. And our worship and belief of who He is. There is a God who is the center of everything, yes. And we've been given choice to be who we were created to be. Every moment, every day.

We don't have to wait for the new year. We don't have to make resolutions in the coming months. We can decide in our next breath whether to rejoice or reject, be free or held captive, do what we've always wanted to do. Use our gifts, forgive someone, tell someone the truth. It's all right at our fingerprints. We just have to stand firm in the face of whatever voices tell us not to be free in the fullness of how we were created.

What holds you back? What are you afraid of?
Today could be your day!
Make today your day.

Are you afraid of the not knowing? Are you afraid of not following the will of God and you're not sure what it is? Hold fast to the promises of Scripture and what you do know. Of who God is and what He desires for you. Shed doubt and lean hard into Jesus. 

Hope to be made new. 

Today is the day!

A Holy Experience

Marvel

When people ask me about my trip to Rwanda, I have a hard time knowing what to say. 
Here's my attempt.

There were people we spoke to, people we ate meals with and spent our days with, that had survived the fastest occurring genocide recorded in history. Close to a million people were killed in 100 days. And we met these survivors and heard their stories.

Upon return, my mind has wondered and questioned and pondered the age old question of the sovereignty of God. Those thoughts will get me nowhere because that's just what sovereignty is and what His is supposed to be - mysterious, never understanding, His plan over mine. But, to be vulnerable and honest, I look into the faces of the survivors of genocide and I wonder well why? but really, why? Will I ever get to know? Will it all just make sense one day? Will I get to ask God when I get to heaven or will these things on earth not matter anymore?

But that's not ultimately what this post is about. 
This post is about faith. Which I guess ties into the sovereignty of God more than I realize. 

My dear friend Kristin reminded me once, back in the summer on a Charleston trip, that in suffering is fullness of joy. And I've tossed that around in the ensuing months and it seems like my mind always softly hears that way back in its crevices. I am confident (I am learning to be confident) in understanding this to be true. 

One of the most incredible pieces of the Good news of Jesus Christ is the reality that in the very darkness, in the darkest moment of the crucifixion, in that moment, was life. From His sacrificial death, the veil was torn and we were given new life. And when his disciples thought everything was going wrong and their king had been slain and there was so much pain, He rose again and they saw the empty tomb and realized the plan and Peter 'went away marveling at what had happened.' 

In death, there is life. 
I couldn't even begin to claim to know the fullness of how amazing that is. How many dimensions and levels that truth holds. I was talking to my friend Gentry just the other day about this very thing and he said and we talked about how the Gospel is physical. And I keep adding pieces to the enigma of the puzzle that the new covenant of Jesus is.  

In death, there is life - even in the horrors of genocide. Especially in the horrors of genocide. Survivors of death looked me right in the eye and said "God is so good." And I struggle to say that when things don't work out the way I want it?

I heard survivors say they were called back to participate in the restoration of Rwanda to preach the message of forgiveness. They said, "we can relate to the poor because we were poor. We can relate to the desolate because we were desolate. We can relate to the traumatized because we were traumatized." I heard them say, "I rose out of the ashes of the genocide." I met people who had experienced Jesus and saw the face of God in the very grim realities of the brokenness of sin. 

Out of the ashes, we rise.
In the very context of death, there is the purest form of life. 
Can suffering be one of the truest ways to see the work of Jesus? Can death, in the end, set us free?

On the cross, Jesus absorbed all the pain and rescued us.
In suffering, there is fullness of joy. Joy is Jesus. Fullness of Jesus. It's true.

And this Gospel? It doesn't come wrapped in twinkling lights and satin bows; it comes straight into our pitchest black. The Gospel of Christ, it's a messy, bloody thing and this is how God was born, bloody and bruised, and that's how God chose to die, bloody and beaten. And our God, He knows the comings and goings of our blackest bloody battles, and this is exactly where He meets us. The Gospel is good news in the eye of the worst news. - Ann Voskamp