The Right Amount of Empathy

I just finished reading a book the other day (THE FAULT IN OUR STARS OMGGG) and my biggest assessment, question, and analysis was..  

was there hope? and why was it so hard for me to find??

I have to have hope. In the books I read, in the movies I watch. It is my biggest criteria. If there is even a teeny, tiny, five second glimmer in the end credits or the final pages that I can latch on to and believe the characters have turned their life around, I am all set. Anything less, no way. The time my brother recommended I watch the movie Seven (WORST MOVIE EVER MADE) //  I called him indignant and emotional and annoyed and demanded to know why he would ever suggest I watch such a thing.

His response?
"oh yea. i forgot. you don't like things that don't have hope."

that's right, I don't. 

hopelessness does me in.

It does me in even more than the average person because I am unbearably empathetic. I hear unexpected bad news or hear of suffering and I can just hold it together long enough to finish the conversation (sometimes). In the counseling world,  you would say I "overidentify." I get lost in the emotion, I feel so much, my heart is a BLEEDING HEART almost to a fault, I get down in the mess with people instead of helping them up. My boss and my coworkers and my friends tell me continuously that my empathy is an asset and is what makes me good at my job and there are days I agree. It's when my greatest asset becomes my biggest weakness that I stumble in the weeds.

There are a few things I've learned as I've grappled with overidentification in ministry and what it means to not be ultimately responsible for people (gasp!) but to point them to the Hope that is. 

• Our bodies respond to the stimulus of pain. We're flight or fix. When we see our people in pain, we feel pain ourselves. My corner tells me that I am just learning how to change my response to the pain I feel. When I feel pain, do I turn around and flee because it's too much? When I feel pain, do I run to fix? Or am I learning to be somewhere in the middle? 

• Jesus wants to take the night shift. To the nights we toss and turn because we're thinking about our people, Jesus says, "you can sleep at night because I don't." Give Him your mind and give Him your thoughts.

• People, I could scream this from the rooftop until I'm blue in the face DON'T YOU DARE DO THIS LIFE ALONE. It's tough and we need each other! I'm always forgetting this one and I'm in the ring fighting and battered and I look back to my corner and they're saying WILL YOU GET OVER HERE AND LET US ENCOURAGE YOU AND GIVE YOU REST. Isolation is never the answer, my friends. Let their prayers wash over you. 

• Do what brings you life. Or as I like to call it, treat yo self. 

• "They are going to remember you were there long before they remember what you said." One of my best and favorite learnings and one that I still sometimes get stuck on because I am such a word person. But much more than answers or advice or a well-structured argument, it will be presence that will matter most, just the fact that I was there. It will be love, more than absolutely anything, that will show the light and love and hope of Jesus. 

So, I can watch Breaking Bad without getting sad. I can love people am still learning how to love people without getting lost in emotion. I am learning the ins and outs of self care. I am learning that I am not hope (praise God), but a tool for such a time as this to point people to Hope. 

rich.

writers write. 

i heard this blatantly obvious, yet profoundly deep statement this weekend at the Simply Youth Conference. it's one of those redundant statements that makes you laugh as you jot it down, but the more you think on it, the more real it becomes. 

writers write. 

i am a writer. my very fiber is words and i connect with God through my own words, through His words, through the words of others. i could read all day, i could write all day, if i'm in the mood, i could talk all day. if you see me looking upset or not myself, ask me "when was the last time you wrote?" because my thoughts get cloudy and distract my mind and writing is my processing clarity and grace.

so, writers write.
and i'm a writer.

writers write because they have stories to tell. they want to give stories a voice, to help the next generation move and hope. writers want to give a pulse to their pain, turning it to asset, praising God for wasting nothing. writers create because there's a belief that vulnerability breeds more vulnerability. they write to remember because remembering produces gratitude. they write for freedom, because words on paper ground and steady and save.

i write because i'm rich.

i'm rich because i've been given good things by a good God. i'm rich because i have wrestled and cried, "i don't know" and heard the Lord say, i know. i'm rich because i am loved. i'm rich because life is hard and i'm showered in grace. i'm rich because i've been chosen for SUCH A TIME AS THIS. 

in the very depths of challenge and pain, there is treasure beyond anything we could think or imagine or comprehend. 2013 was my richest year, because it was my most challenging. in pain and sadness, there were fountains overflowing with words (even when there wasn't) and i filled three moleskines. at the beginning of the year, i made the resolution to "write every day, because there's always something to write about" and so i wrote and wrote and wrote. i wrote because the Lord is rich in mercy and He's rich in love. 

writers, write on. 

Real or Not Real

since the third Hunger Games book came out, i've been playing the game Real or Not Real. i've actually been playing it much longer than that, but now it has a name. 

in the third HG (no spoilers here, don't worry), a character has been severely brainwashed. his mind is so maimed, he can't remember what's illusion or reality, real or made up. everything is up in the air, anything could be truth, which develops in him hatred and fear. it's a harrowing, hopeless way to live. 

so his friends devise a game. Real or Not Real. 

he says a statement - "the fire was my fault" - and his friends say either "real" or "not real," and they offer an explanation to go along with it - "not real. someone else started that fire. you actually saved a lot of people in that fire." and slowly, with the help of his friends, he reconstructs truth and wades through what isn't real. 

at first, Real or Not Real is a hard and confusing game. 

i'm saved by grace? real. 

there's nothing i can do? real. 

i've got to work hard to earn love? not real. 

this has all been a waste? not real. 

i've been set free for freedom? real. 

God is always good and I am always loved? real. 

it's community and Scripture that whisper and scream when the not reals hit hard. in a moment of pain and surrender and discouragement, when it's just coming at you and piling on and you're feeling overwhelmed, BUT WHAT IS REAL? which one is the voice of God? what do i have to pull me up when all of this feels like it's going to take me under? 

it's the very essence of taking thoughts captive. the very essence of writing words on your heart, cementing them on your mind. so when the dark days come, you will be ready. 

but here's the really good news. 

Real or Not Real actually gets easier. 

the more you ask for help and the more you memorize truth, the more it becomes rooted and the faster you can squash what is rearing to disrupt. because playing Real or Not Real and taking thoughts captive and filtering lies - it produces a great faith. 

there were days when i just didn't know. i didn't know what it meant that i didn't have to have things figured out before i came before God. i didn't know that God wastes nothing. i didn't believe - really - that God is always good and i am always loved. i didn't know Fear didn't have to own me anymore. sadness would hit and i wouldn't firmly know what was real. it was exhausting to beat back the not reals, especially when i didn't know which ones they were. 

and so i wrote. i asked for help. i searched Scripture day and night. i prayed the only way i knew how. my mind felt maimed and i needed to reconstruct it with solid reals. it's a sloooow process, because you're emptying out your mind of things that don't belong and you're filling it with things Above. with things of hope and joy, love and peace and freedom. it's gradual. 

but one day, maybe in the midst of a fear or anxiety or sadness or darkness,  

it'll hit you. 

wait. i actually know what's real. 

in the middle of the lie YOU CAN'T DO THIS, you'll know that's not true. you'll know that you're confident and worthy and able, that the light within you shines brighter than the darkness. you'll know, you'll BELIEVE, that God has led you here for such a time as this and that you've been uniquely positioned by a Good Father for just exactly this. 

and you'll realize that all that beating back of fear for all those months and months and all the Real or Not Real actually produced in you the sound mind you've always been created with. you might actually laugh out loud at what the enemy was trying to get you to consider to be real. and you'll scream loud GOD IS ALWAYS GOOD AND I AM ALWAYS LOVED and you'll be brave and bold to believe it. 

wait. i actually know that to be true. 

it is not real that you have to cower. 

it is not real that your pain is for naught. 

it is not real that God wastes suffering. 

it is not real that He is oblivious or disconnected or uncaring. 

it is real that the Lord surrounds His people, from this time forth and forevermore. 

it is real that He has equipped you confidently and ably.

it is real that you are loved with an everlasting love. 

it is real that hope is oxygen and it has the name of Jesus. 

go forward, friend, and be rooted in reals. 

O Holy Night

i've already started listening to christmas music. 

i used to be a real stickler for the 'no christmas music before thanksgiving' rule. but then i knew a girl who didn't eat anything pumpkin before october and i had already been drinking psl's (pumpkin spice lattes) for a month before her and suddenly she seemed so silly and it seemed so silly to deny myself the joy of christmas just because of a principle. so it's christmas music, all in (with katy perry sprinkled in, obvi).

the song "o holy night" - i've heard it so many times in my life. and it's mariah carey's angelic version that has been playing continuously in my car. i play it, press repeat, play again, press repeat. and it was just the other day when i really heard the lyrics for the first time. i mean, i REALLY REALLY heard them. 

o holy night, the stars are brightly shining 

it is the night of our dear Savior's birth

long lay the world in sin and error pining

til he appeared and the soul felt its worth

a thrill of hope the weary world rejoices

for yonder breaks a new glorious morn

fall on your knees

o hear the angel voices

o night divine

o night when Christ was born

o night divine!

o night, o night divine!

and it's like my ears have opened and i am hearing this song for the first time. and i just can't get enough of it. 

HE APPEARED AND THE SOUL FELT ITS WORTH

A THRILL OF HOPE, THE WEARY WORLD REJOICES

A NEW AND GLORIOUS MORN

i go through times in my life where i realize/remember that life is hard. whether it's personal or because i live a ministry life, i get hit with the reality that life's just not fair for lots of people. BUT O HOLY NIGHT. oh, night divine! what a comfort and a hope. 

the weary world rejoices. it's a new and glorious morn. fall on your knees! when Christ appeared and entered a languishing world of sin, the soul felt its worth. 

o. holy. night. 

What I'm Learning from the Fort Mill Cheerleaders

cheerleading is no joke. 

i spend most weekends with the members of the Fort Mill High varsity cheerleading squad. at this point in the season, it has become a running joke about how little i know about cheer (aleyiah just laughs at me). it turns out their 'flips' and 'tumbles' all have cool names like  'back handspring' and 'standing tuck' and that standing tucks are really hard. i tell the girls as often as i can that 1) i would pay money to be able to do what they can do, but 2) i would literally break myself in two if i even attempted what they can do. so there's that. 

these girls are a wild and crazy bunch (just the way i like it) and they let me hang out with them and pray over them and laugh with them and have a blast with them. it brings me lots of joy, these 27 girls plus two coaches. it feels like family. being at practice and games feels like christmas morning. y'all, i have become so invested in the welfare of this team's success and these girls' lives. my heart, so full. 

one of my favorite parts about being an honorary cheerleader happens on competition days. one of their biggest tasks is to get mentally focused. coach jill calls it 'mental work' and the first time i saw it, i remember thinking that i was watching magic happen. it was beautiful. 

they finish stretching and coach turns on the routine music and each girl gets in her own space and they literally do the routine IN THEIR HEADS. they close their eyes, they don't move from their spot, and they replay their part of the routine in their minds. over and over and over again. and the best part is that they're shouting out encouragement to each other at each part where they know their teammate will need encouragement ("come on, maggie!" "you got this devon!" i look over and devon and maggie both have eyes closed too, doing nothing in that moment that would warrant shouts from their teammates. THESE GIRLS ARE LITERALLY PRACTICING ENCOURAGEMENT). 

i watch each girl's face and i can tell she's not there. she's focused, already out on the mat. the girls spend more time on competition days preparing themselves mentally instead of physically (can i tell you how much i love that? so much). and i just can't get over the critical advantage that gives them - over their opponents, over their own selves, over the doubts and anxieties and nerves they no doubt get. 

it's unlike anything i've seen. maybe it's because i grew up playing softball and that sport NEVER required anything like this. maybe it's because i'm such a mind person and i believe days are won and lost in the mind. maybe it's because i believe encouragement is the key to the Body of Christ. maybe because i believe - with all my heart - that there is great power in how we set our minds and what we do with our thoughts and what we believe and how we go into each day, into each challenge, into each moment. it's the mind! the mind, above all else, it's the key. 

it's inspiring to me to watch them work. it always calms me and leaves me speechless all at the same time. i want to set my own times of 'mental work' throughout my days - close my eyes, focus on what's at hand, focus on what's REAL, take deep breaths, SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT. because don't we all need that? before we go out and perform, rush from one thing to another, get our checklists out, do things - don't we all need to sit and think, pray and believe, ask God to take our day and use it for His glory? and maybe it's just that we need to speak encouragement to ourselves. 

so, i had a rough morning yesterday. i was running late, couldn't find my phone, had a scheduling miscommunication (y'all. not my morning. literally in my workout clothes and couldn't make it to the gym). and i remember sitting in my closet thinking WHATTT IS THIS MORNING. and then i thought a thought, quite clearly, that said, 

"but that's okay. you can try again tomorrow." 

i tell ya, if that didn't set me free to save my day. i'm doing my own mental work. i owe you, Fort Mill cheer. 

Fight for people.

"people have always preferred details and complications and rules, but when Jesus was pressed, He said, "love God and love people. that's pretty much it." this is what we do and this is why we do it." - jen hatmaker

jen's on to something. 
love God - with all your heart, mind, soul - and love people well. 

i'm still in process of believing that loving people well sometimes looks like fighting for them. in the messiness of relationship and the brokenness of trial, sometimes people just need some presence and prayer warriors. they need reminders of goodness, reminders of grace (even and especially the hard graces), reminders of the truth that God is always good and we are always loved. they need ephesians 6, armor of God covering. and then they need to be told they're covered! 

we need to believe for people when they can't believe for themselves.
we need to sit with and listen and walk alongside. 
we need to give of ourselves and we need to help and we need to tell people about the hope of Jesus.
we need to fight for people when they're tired. 
we need to fight for souls before the throne of grace and intercede against the schemes of the enemy. 
because sometimes it's war, people. and we're all in this together. as the Body of Christ. 

loving people well doesn't mean fixing. because PRAISE JESUS we can't fix and we can't be saviors. we can point to Jesus and sit with people and carry them to the throne of grace. and believe that we will receive mercy and help in time of need. we can challenge when we need to and encourage often and most of all, look people in the eye and tell them we believe in them and we believe in the God who created them. they are loved beyond comprehension or logic.

we've got to be FOR people. we've got to stand with people. people are the heartbeat of God and He sings redemption and love and pursuit of the people He created.

fight for people. 

Confidence

someone told me about hebrews 10:35-36 the other day and i just can't shake it. 

it says, "do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. you need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

i was at a women's event the other night, and it was the speaker who shed light on this verse. i'm sitting in the back, trying to keep to myself, because people. it's been a rough few weeks. i'm going through major changes and man alive, my fiber was just not made to go through change quickly and smoothly. it takes process and time, patience and grace (none of which i have for myself). and i think, God has put me here for such a time as this, and maybe it really is my confidence that i am throwing away. what a tragedy. 

so i'm sitting in the back, and this verse comes on screen. and i sit up a little taller. 

could this be it?

then the speaker tells a story. she says she was working on a book and all these things called life kept coming up and she kept pushing her deadline back. she said out loud to God, I CAN'T DO THIS. and i smile in the back - oh, if i haven't said that to God a million times. and then God showed her this verse in hebrews and said to her, "do not throw away your confidence! you will receive what i have promised!"

then the speaker said she just straight up asked God. 

well, God, what is it that you have promised?

and now i am on the edge of my seat. i have wondered this out loud to God all the time, in brokenness and trial. what is this for!? come on God, what is the point of this!? and that's when God always brings me back to I WASTE NOTHING. but here was this speaker saying she's asked God the same thing and can i get an amen for the power of 'me too'?

so, God, what have you promised?

God said FREEDOM. child. i have promised you freedom.

and let me tell you what. if that's not the best news i've ever heard. freedom, sweet freedom. freedom from self doubt and fear and lies. just freedom. sweet freedom of Jesus. 

praying that verse over me, and over you. do not throw away your confidence, my friends! endure, endure in the will of the Father and receive what he has promised.

#freedom