Learning Freedom

I've spent the past few weeks learning freedom.

Here's how it started.

I realized I didn't know how to be close to God when I wasn't wrestling through something.

For me, learning in my faith has always been a fierce wrestling. The gloves are on and I fight my way through situations and experiences. And what comes from that are wonderful learnings and resolve for the next time, absolutely. I know how to see God through hurt and pain, but I realized I don't know how to see Him when I'm not going through something. So I create issues and hurry worry along so I can feel back in God's presence again. I've thrown myself headfirst and thrashed around in hurt and pain and struggle in order to turn my life upside down. It's exhausting.

I'm learning that God is near AT ALL TIMES. In all situations, in all my emotions. I've always turned my learnings into battles and fought long and hard and come out embattled and satisfied because that's where I thought God met me the most. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that: I'm saying I've found freedom in not always having to do that. I'm learning to wait, heed His voice more, to not run to worry. I'm learning to find God when I'm restful. God doesn't only come when I'm broken.

And then that steamrolled into this.

Just the other morning, I had a thought while I was brushing my teeth: 'I really haven't been as intentional or diligent in prayer as I have been before. I've been slacking.' Usually a thought like that would unleash a torrent of shame, a multiple day search and wrestle as to why in the world I've been slacking, a conclusion or revelation (sometimes off base, sometimes not, which would sometimes lead into an investigation on its own), and THEN I'd start being more intentional in prayer. I usually sit in my guilt and allow it to paralyze me.

But that morning, it was just a four thought process. Conviction, confession, repentance, and then I changed it. Made adjustments (cut out laptop time, put down my Kindle) and decided to make it a priority. All before finishing brushing my teeth.

So I'm learning to give myself grace. I've learning to, well, relax. I'm learning that some things aren't worth a weeklong marathon of emotion. I'm learning that some things are simple: a simple examination, a simple prayer, simple trust. I'm learning that I'm not ever going to be perfect. There WILL be imperfections and deficiencies in my walk with Christ. What a crucial valuable learning. It's nothing short of liberating. Grace doesn't come with days of regret and moundfuls of shame. It comes with thoughts of gratefulness, intentionality, and humility in seeking Him.

I've been spending some time with my friend Arin lately (who is amazing) and she lives that grace. I get to see her in action with her tinys: she's incredible! She teaches me through her actions, words, and love what grace looks like in response to other people and especially in response to yourself. Her friendship has given me tremendous freedom! Freedom to breathe a sigh of relief and say 'ahh me too.' She teaches IT ALL REALLY IS OKAY. A Godly woman doesn't have to have a specific blueprint, but she does pursue God, lets Him refine her, gives herself grace, and let's God fill in the rest. Isn't that great news?

I heard Arin's mom say something once that sticks with me now. She said we shouldn't lower our expectations, but to make them realistic. And I think that's what I'm doing now. It's not about lowering expectations or allowing myself to live a life any differently from following Christ: not at all. But it is rewriting my expectations to include grace in everyday life and reworking freedom into that mix. A freedom to let go and let God.

In turn, my faith is becoming less of an exhausting entity I live in and more of a daily breathing in and out union with God. It becomes the rhythm of life. Learning naturally, embracing a process, learning without tossing and turning and wailing, and allowing myself to sllllooooowww down and be human. And let God be God. It's knowing He appears in all things and knowing being close to Him doesn't always have to involve some great struggle of will. I know sometimes it has to and I know sometimes it definitely will and I know I do well when I go through that. But I know that when that does come, to distinguish between life and struggle and to still smile and remember joy despite it all. Wrestling doesn't have to run my life (because I secretly love it: hello idol) and seep into all my relationships, but can just be a natural part of this new kind of faith that I'm learning (does any of this make sense? Because it does in my head).

I shared this with my friend JJ the other day and she said 'so you're struggling through.. struggling?' and it made me laugh so hard and I thought 'wow for once in my life I'm not!!' I'm just living and learning and seeking and praying.. and what clarity I'm getting! Things I'm learning from a new perspective that I might have missed before when I made my journey an idol.

Learning recap: God is near in all situations: in joy, worship, rest, everyday life: just as much as He's been there for me in struggle and conviction and pain and wrestling. And remember to breathe deeply. GRACE MEANS FREEDOM.

There's a lot more freedom in Christ than I realized.