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Sunday, August 31, 2014

You Will Just Know

Everybody has the hard days. 
The days of darkness, sadness, insecurity, suffocating doubt, whatever it may be. A weight, a burden, a heaviness. Something in a hard fight stealing your joy, perhaps. 

I remember a particular day. 
A particular day when I called my corner for some insight, some advice. Corner did just that // gave prayer, life, encouragement. Encouraged me to seek others, pray, to believe the Spirit of God is greater than anything. It was so life giving. 

But I remember at the end asking specifically // but how will I.. know? How will I know when this is lifted? How will I know if I am out of the valley? In other words, how will I know if all of this is working?

And I remember the answer given // you will just know. you will feel a spirit of freedom. 

The "you will just know" answer.
That timeless response, the 'trust me, trust yourself' answer.
The answer of faith. 
And I remember occasionally in the weeks and months that followed having good days and feeling free and thinking, but is this a spirit of freedom? Is this me 'just knowing'? Or this just a good day?

But now. This is what it means. I just know. 

In the two months since my last post was written (but does anyone really read this blog?), I've had the best trip of my life to see my Colombian friends, participated in the wedding of dear sweet friends, dumped a bucket of water on my head (twice), discovered Johnnyswim, read lots of books, sobbed my way through Fault in our Stars, ate pizza at midnight with ADVANCE friends in Atlanta, and learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. 

phew. what a summer. 

And amidst all the activity and the growth and the challenge and the PURE JOY, is this constant persistent thought. I love closing a chapter, I love writing about it, I love evaluating a season, I love a good takeaway. And this one keeps coming back // in all my seasons. Whenever I self-examine and turn around and look back, this always seems to be my learning //

God is good. 

At times, it's been quieter and has sat meekly in a corner of my mind. It's raised its hand, but hasn't tried to shout over the lies that boast for attention. It's been quiet and the one to take the most beating (I mean, come on, what is good!?). Until now // when its shed it's cliche layer. And now most clearly, in the jumble that change sometimes brings and through so many questions and so many thoughts of pure joy and newness,

this thought roars so loud and clear. 
God is so good.

It's my takeaway, my knowing, my solidifying confirmation of the character of God. 

He's gracious and compassionate and it's the kindness of God that leads us to repentance. He is all of these things and He does not lead his children into destruction. I catch my breath and lose it for a minute when I think about the incomparable greatness of a Creator who allows our hard edges to be refined and made more whole, full, and free. It's magnificent. 

This light, this confidence, this freedom. This gracefulness, this wholeness, this gratitude. This rest, this newness. In process, yet still the me I was made to be. 

I just know.