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Monday, August 27, 2018

Ones and Nines

I've never quite understood myself. 

I often respond differently than others and have always wondered why. I feel deeply - for myself, for others, for the world - and never could quite understand what it meant or how to use it for good. Things frustrate me more than they seem to frustrate others. Why? 

Ian Morgan Cron, author of The Road Back To You, says this - "The greatest mystery in our lives - next to God - is ourselves." 

So, I began to study.. the mystery of myself. 

I discovered the Enneagram. Type One. The Reformer. These titles and labels and numbers simply speak of a God who delights in His children as unique, wonderful, and rare. 

My brain is wired to try to understand. I pick things apart and strive for improvement. I see things through the eye of an observer - driven passionate uncompromising conscientious. I toss and turn something over in my mind, looking at each angle and analyzing each perspective. At my best, I am wise and discerning. At my worst, I am critical and resentful. And the road in between health and un-health is littered with grace. 

The podcast Sleeping at Last described this about the Type One: 
"Folks who are dominant Type One are some of the most principled people that you know. Because their standard for integrity is set so high that it leads to this inner ache of frustration. And that frustration comes from the idealism that the world needs to be perfect, that good needs to be celebrated, that every thing that should be aligned must be aligned. 

Folks who are dominant Type One actually take a lot of the pressure and the responsibility on themselves. They try to be better, they strive harder to improve themselves and everything they're a part of. 

It's hard for Type Ones when they are in relationship because when someone doesn't live up to their role, when someone drops the ball, when someone fails to contribute their best, the Ones actually even over-identify with that malformation or diminishment and they take it upon themselves. 

It's hard for them, this personal sense of moral duty and obligation. It becomes this voice, this loop, in their mind which is enhanced and turned up by their inner critic, their super ego. Their "oughts" and "should" sound like criticism because they're constantly second guessing the words they use, the quality of their performance. They are always criticizing themselves. 

And if we know this about Type Ones, it should lead us to feel a tremendous sense of compassion for them. Because they are really are the best people we know. They really are some of the most integrious folks who have such clarity, who really manage their own emotion, for the good or bad of it they repress their own anger. But it's that frustrated idealism that really is their invitation to rest. 

If you're dominant Type One, you need to let yourself off the hook. You're the one that reminds us of what is good, you're the one that brings the serenity of that goodness and excellence and integrity and principled vitality forward. And you can really trust yourself."

I read that over and over again and it makes me feel like someone is inside my body and my mind and I cheer at who I am.

But the best thing that has come out of this ride is that learning myself = learning others. 

One of my friends and I - I am a One, he is a Nine. The One - Reformer, the Nine - Peacemaker. I am loud, emotional, doggedly committed to knowing and chasing right. He is patient, kind, peaceful, committed to people. We get along well and believe in the same things, but in moments of conflict, stress, tension, or crisis, we are - quite possibly - the very opposite. I want to dissect it, find who or what's at fault, put the eye black on, fight to the end, declare a victor. He is slow, wise, thoughtful, willing to let things go for the sake of peace. 

The dynamic between a One and a Nine as described by The Enneagram Institute is one of start and stop, pause and go, of compromise, humility, grace, and trust. 

But here's the cool part, the really amazing part. 
Neither of us are wrong. 
Neither of us are right. 
We have to give each other permission to feel how we are each wired to feel, knowing that the more or less does not mean right or wrong. 
There's actually a generous and courageous complement that exists in those who fight and those who choose compassion. The Nines calm the Ones, while the Ones drive the Nines. 

I can't think of a better team. 
And the same goes for Ones and Sixes, Ones and Eights, Twos and Threes, Fives and Sevens, and on and on.. 

When we begin to understand ourselves, we begin to understand others. And when we begin to understand others, we begin to live in harmony. And when we live in harmony, we begin to live as the Kingdom designs us to live. 

There's a gracious God who delights in us. He delights in the way He knit us. Because of this, I have to come to understand God in a richer, holier, and much larger way. 

He above and intentionally beyond measure walks us down hard roads to shape us and craft us before He positions us. He is faithful, He is kind, He has never abandoned us because we are too complicated or not what He imagined. 

We are knit for high and holy purposes, intentionally where we are for such a time as this. And it's allowed me to lean into the holy mystery that is humanity. Every one of us.