Grace

I've done a lot of stupid things lately. Not anything tragic or life changing, but things that make me look back and say to myself, 'are you for real??'

It makes me so thankful for Jesus.

Until I was 23, I proclaimed to be a Christian and then had everyone bow down to me. I loved making people feel bad. I really liked belittling people and I really thrived on being right. It's embarrassing to think about. I really was so self righteous and God was my afterthought (if even a thought at all). Any time I needed correction, that was a big no. I would either ignore you, get mad and turn it back on you (my favorite response), or manipulate you into thinking I was right the whole time. I take no credit for life change because it is Christ who has redeemed my choices. He has redeemed my responses. He has given me better options. Without Him, what other option do we have? He's made me thankful for the freedom that comes with being wrong. He has changed my response to you and He has changed how I receive your response to me.

And that's grace.

As I make mistakes now, grace comes into the picture. As I am rude and thoughtless and arrogant, I am met with grace. And it blows my mind. On two counts. Grace frees me. Grace is unconditional. My friends who respond with grace : I think back to a time and know hands down, 100%, that I never, ever would have responded that way. I loved when people messed up. It was my chance to shine! To mess up, be rightfully called out, and to be met with grace, forgiveness, and moving forward, is refreshing. Not just refreshing, it's almost a shock to my system.

And that's grace.

It's so good!

When other people respond as Christ, I am freed to respond as Christ. I am freed to think as Christ. I am freed to remember Christ's work.

It's really, really exciting.

I can't really articulate how this makes me feel. I wish all of you could take a jump inside my thoughts. It makes me overjoyed. No, no I am not happy I make mistakes. Gross. It bums me out when I'm thoughtless. I hate sinning. But I am so thankful for Jesus. I am reminded of the victory over sin and death in His cross and resurrection.

I am overjoyed because it is in the little things that I can see my big story. That I can see Christ. The little graces where I am blown away.

I spent half of last night thinking through mistakes, thinking through responses, thinking through story, because that's what I do. I think. For those most faithful to follow, I have most frequently blogged about my thoughts. Taking them captive. My mind. When I'm not disciplined, satan runs around unmarked and unchecked, taking names and wreaking havoc. Satan's thinking becomes my way of life. My instincts reflect his. When I don't practice 2 Corinthians 10:5, I let satan have a field day up there.

But when I do, when I stamp Paul's words on my heart and mind, my mind does a complete reroute. God's Word literally becomes my filter. I have a thought : dismiss it as a lie. I have a thought : call it ridiculous. I have a thought : throw away that shame. I have a thought : yes that's truth! And that's the one I believe. And I am knocked off my feet at how good His grace is.

I am given grace to think new.

What I'm learning is that the practice of filtering and taking thoughts captive is never complete. I'm not going to reach a point of perfection and no longer have to fight satan's lies. I was born a sinful human being. But that doesn't mean the battle hasn't been won. That doesn't take anything away from Christ and His redemption. Refinement is in how quickly I resort to my filter, to Scripture, and how quickly I count truth for what it is. The Spirit does its work and satan talk becomes less and less frequent.

I am joyful because I can look at my story and think 'what a God!' I spent most of today thinking 'if God can save a prideful soul like me, then He can save anyone!'

So if you take anything from this hodgepodge of thoughts, take that away. God loves you. He really, really loves you. No matter how shameful or ugly or gross or prideful your actions and thoughts are, He wants them. All of them. He wants all of you.

And that is grace.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." Ephesians 2:8-9