As Far As it Depends on You

Throughout my life, I have been blessed with a lot of incredible people in my corner. I have friends who have been in my life for decades. Decades! The ebb and flow of life has only strengthened our bond as we've journeyed together. 

I've also had friendships that haven't survived. 

The lack of survival isn't always bad. Some friendships naturally end with the end of a season or with a change in circumstance. It's bittersweet when those friendships come to mind, isn't it? They were the best people for such a time as this. The blessings are rich from the people who have come and gone. 

But sometimes friendships crash and sometimes they burn. 

This was true of one particular friendship in my life. We were friends for years - co-workers first, but then dear friends. Vacation together, talk every day kind of friends. But then our friendship ended in a dramatic and unfinished way. In the aftermath of the end, there were attempts at reconciliation that were rejected. There were superficial interactions on social media, but there was never any intentional conversation. And now, years later, we run into each other from time to time. And it always feels like reconciliation without the reconciling. There was no resolution even as we moved our separate ways. 

I walked away from that experience carrying a lot of confusion and grief. There is a lot of complexity to losing someone that used to be an important part of your life. There's an awkward tension about what to do around their birthday every year. There's a weird feeling seeing something in a store that reminds you of them. There's navigating the hard conversations with your mutual friends to try to avoid collateral damage. There's a lot of surrender and discipline that comes with knowing where and how to step next. 

But by the grace and mercy of God, He has made Himself known to me in all of it. 

The Lord has met me here. 

I have learned the weight of other people's choices affect you, but they are not meant for you to carry or manage. I have learned that the opportunity to reconcile may not be afforded to you. I have learned that is okay. I have learned that you may never get the opportunity to hear the other person's perspective. I have learned there is a choice even and especially here. I carried the weight for a long time of trying to manage the aftermath and of trying to fix what was lost. I was so meticulous in trying to understand the story. God gently and graciously and continuously whispered to me That is not your job. Let me take this. 

Healing takes time. And as obvious as that sounds, I think that this statement is so much easier said than lived by. It takes so much time to heal, more time sometimes than we want to give it. And I have seen that the only thing that heals is the presence and comfort of God and God alone and the tools that He so graciously gives. He's it. Everything else is secondary.

And the really beautiful thing about this is that healing can be found without being dependent on someone else. This is such a grace. 

So, what do you do when a friendship dies?

There is a verse in Romans chapter 12 that reads like this: "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." The second part of this verse used to trip me up. Living at peace with everyone is a lot of pressure, especially in moments like these. But the Lord shifted my focus. Sometimes (all the time) you will only be able to do what depends on you. What is my role - and mine alone - in living at peace with everyone? It is surrender and discipline and vulnerability and humility and grace - yes, a lot does depend on me. My heart and my posture. But not everything does. If possible, so far as it depends on you. This is so important. And maybe this, this, is what brings the peace. 

Gratitude wins. It changes things. It is the very source of joy. It is in this giving of thanks that rewires your brain towards good. This kind of gratitude saves. Practice this as far as it depends on you - gratitude at the faithfulness of God, gratitude for the memories, gratitude that you are a person that God goes with. 

We get to choose. There is always a choice. We can't predict other people's behavior and we oftentimes can't influence their choices, but we can determine our own. What a grace. We can choose holiness and honor, courage and kindness. We can choose to be steady in the face of confusion. I have learned this piece of what makes us human - our choices - is arguably the most beautiful. 

And then? You get to cultivate and build new friendships. What a grace! You get to dig deep into the ones that know you and love you and call you worthy. You get to step out and meet new people and you get to be the person God created you to be. The fruit of starting new does come. The friendships in my life now are so rich and fresh and wise and mature. The death of one has made the life of the others that much more vital.

Some friendships die. But yes, some friendships live.