You Will Just Know

Everybody has the hard days. 

The days of darkness, sadness, insecurity, suffocating doubt, whatever it may be. A weight, a burden, a heaviness. Something in a hard fight stealing your joy, perhaps. 

I remember a particular day. 

A particular day when I called my corner for some insight, some advice. Corner did just that // gave prayer, life, encouragement. Encouraged me to seek others, pray, to believe the Spirit of God is greater than anything. It was so life giving. 

But I remember at the end asking specifically // but how will I.. know? How will I know when this is lifted? How will I know if I am out of the valley? In other words, how will I know if all of this is working?

And I remember the answer given // you will just know. you will feel a spirit of freedom. 

The "you will just know" answer.

That timeless response, the 'trust me, trust yourself' answer.

The answer of faith. 

And I remember occasionally in the weeks and months that followed having good days and feeling free and thinking, but is this a spirit of freedom? Is this me 'just knowing'? Or this just a good day?

But now. This is what it means. I just know. 

In the two months since my last post was written (but does anyone really read this blog?), I've had the best trip of my life to see my Colombian friends, participated in the wedding of dear sweet friends, dumped a bucket of water on my head (twice), discovered Johnnyswim, read lots of books, sobbed my way through Fault in our Stars, ate pizza at midnight with ADVANCE friends in Atlanta, and learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. 

phew. what a summer. 

And amidst all the activity and the growth and the challenge and the PURE JOY, is this constant persistent thought. I love closing a chapter, I love writing about it, I love evaluating a season, I love a good takeaway. And this one keeps coming back // in all my seasons. Whenever I self-examine and turn around and look back, this always seems to be my learning //

God is good. 

At times, it's been quieter and has sat meekly in a corner of my mind. It's raised its hand, but hasn't tried to shout over the lies that boast for attention. It's been quiet and the one to take the most beating (I mean, come on, what is good!?). Until now // when its shed it's cliche layer. And now most clearly, in the jumble that change sometimes brings and through so many questions and so many thoughts of pure joy and newness,

this thought roars so loud and clear. 
God is so good.

It's my takeaway, my knowing, my solidifying confirmation of the character of God. 

He's gracious and compassionate and it's the kindness of God that leads us to repentance. He is all of these things and He does not lead his children into destruction. I catch my breath and lose it for a minute when I think about the incomparable greatness of a Creator who allows our hard edges to be refined and made more whole, full, and free. It's magnificent. 

This light, this confidence, this freedom. This gracefulness, this wholeness, this gratitude. This rest, this newness. In process, yet still the me I was made to be. 

I just know. 

A Letter for My Single Ladies

Dear friends. 

Look around you.
This time is so, so sweet.

There's this weird "not yet married" trap that we can fall into. Who decided that was a thing!? Maybe it's the world or the enemy or the whispers we hear of not enough or graceless truths from other people. But if we identify with the sigh of not there yet, oh my friends, we can miss the beauty happening RIGHT NOW.

Can we love the journey and this story God is writing in each one of us?

My dear single friends.  

I feel like some of you need to hear this. 

Take heart. Lift up your head. 

Your story is alive and it's valid. 

Some of you have dated a lot and can't find fulfillment. Some of you have been hurt and have been told mean things and had your identity crushed. Some of you have compromised yourself and aren't sure it's worth another try. Some of you simply have never prioritized dating or marriage and really couldn't care less about the whole thing. Some of you identify as single and you count down each day until you're not. Some of you are frustrated and exhausted and weary.

Whoever you are, wherever you are.
Keep on keeping on. The story is now.
You are being refined and being made more whole now.

Some of my people are in deep struggles that I may never know. On the same note, I am in deep wrestlings that they have never known. It's what makes each of our stories perfectly unique // that the places where God has chosen to pull me closer to Him are different than the ways He is drawing closer to you. It's one of the ways He's such a personal God // that my singleness and your marriage and my work life and your stay at home life are all part of refinement. It's not a formula, or one thing over another.

The summer before I was going off to college (many moons ago), a neighbor revealed her excitement for me by exclaiming, "Oh, college! Those were the best four years of my life!"

I remember thinking, how sad. And that woman's weird encouragement worked to ignite me and I vowed to make the best years of my life the ones I was living.

The best is always the present and the best is always coming, because God says I want the best for you. I am the way. And you can meet me now. The best isn't past and you haven't missed the best.

I don't want to speak generically, because we're all on unique journeys. I don't want to make blanket statements and claim to know what God is up to in each of our lives. But I do want to take you by the face, look you in the eye, and whisper hope deep into your soul. I want to ignite encouragement that your story is bigger than maybe you ever dreamed.

Can you trust that this is your story?
There are no accidents. We are loved not by an absentminded God who forgets His children, but by a passionately, fiercely loving God who is right with us in this life. He knows your very being and knows your very fabric.

You are on a wild, rich journey. Delight yourself in the Lord.
I can't wait to see where He takes you. It will blow you away. 

xoxoxox

Birthday Reflections

My birthday makes me so weepy with gratitude. 

I live such a good, good life. I am aware of that on a day to day basis, but it is on my birthday when that sense is heightened. 

See, I had a friend tell me once a few years ago that birthdays are always important, no matter how old you are. I think I had shrugged my shoulders, mentioned I was turning 24, no big deal, just another birthday. To which he said NO. BIRTHDAYS ARE SPECIAL. 

It changed the way I see this day. 

My "new year" isn't January 1. It's June 2. I make new commitments, new prayers, new hopes, new what ifs. I gaze, full of awe, at the year that has passed and I am filled with hope at what is to come. And.it.just.makes.me.cry. It's like the small picture gets put on hold for a day and I can see this beautiful story of a life laid out in front of me and it makes me gasp at its beauty and adventure, wonder and grace. 

The story is hard. The journey has not been painless. Becoming real and whole and a fullest self is a battle this side of heaven. But this refinement is sweet and this glorifying God is where life begins and God is shaping souls to be his mouthpiece, his image, He has given us LIFE. 

Lift up your head. 
Hold on tight. 
It's a wild ride. 

At the close of this day - after so many laughs and games of wiffleball and hugs and squeals of joy and food (so much food) and fun (so much fun) and corner (so many people huddled close in my corner) - I am confident that this life is right where I am supposed to be. That, by His grace, He has landed me right exactly HERE and has lavished this sweet fragrance of His goodness all over this life I live. 

It is astounding. 
Maybe when I get to heaven, I'll be able to truly articulate this gratitude that swells from deep within, that makes my eyes well when I think about my people and the love they give me. I cannot fathom a God who literally turned sorrow to joy, and yet it is the life He has breathed and rescued and allowed me to lead. It is the story He is telling. 

Yes, oh yes, birthdays are special. 

When You Enter the Promised Land

Remember.

The Bible is full of charges for us to remember. Moses speaks to his Israelite people before they arrive in the promised land and he tells them specifically to remember. Remember the Lord, remember what He has done, remember to love Him with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Remembering must be a lifestyle. 

teach it to your children. 

repeat it again and again. 

talk when you sit in your home. 

when you walk. 

when you are going to bed. 

when you are getting up.  

tie them on your hands and wear on your forehead as reminders. 

write them on your doorposts. 

Write it on your hearts. 

Because when you enter the promised land // when your trial is over, when you make it out of your cave, when your sadness and darkness and fear is over, when the Lord brings you into the land he swore to give you, with great and good cities that you did not build, and houses full of good things that you did not fill, and vineyards and olive trees that you did not plant, when you eat and are full //

do not forget the Lord, who brought you out of slavery. 

It is a call to see the riches and goodness of where you are and remember who got you there. 

I think remembering is one of our best tools. I think it's tied so closely with our hearts. In Ephesians 6 when we put our armor on, I think the helmet of salvation that we cloak our minds with whispers remember. 

Remembering frees us in moments of crisis. It centers us in moments of disorientation. It relieves us in moments of burden. Remembering stills us in moments of fear. It fuels us in moments of gratitude. It gives hope for today and for the journey tomorrow. 

What helps you remember?

• Cement dates and times in mind and in heart, to draw attention when anniversaries arrive and important dates come. Dates of your freedom, dates of answered prayers. 
• Screenshot encouraging text messages and pictures (I do this LIKE A BOSS) and save them to a folder. Scroll through them to remember.
• Write, write, write. Then go back and read, read, read. 

This week is a big week of remembering for me. A big week of celebrating. I've been face first in old journals, just breathing in remembrance. It's got a sweet fragrance. 

Gracious + Kind

I watch New Girl like it's my job. 

I come from the camp of people who like to have the TV on most of the time // while cleaning, cooking, eating, sleeping. I like to watch things I've already seen, so I can only pay attention halfway. 

I'm into New Girl. I'm on the third time through season two. 

It's alarming to me how both 1) the show portrays behavior. 2) how accurate that behavior really is. 

Awkward situations make people act in strange ways. Nick and Jess are in the throes of trying to figure out the terms of their friendship/maybe more than just a friendship. It's painful to watch at times, because all they need to do is look each other in the eye and be brave and tell the truth. But they skirt the topic, cause pain to one another, and prolong the in-between. 

I think THIS CANNOT BE REAL LIFE. 

oh, it's sometimes real life. 

This post could go one of two ways. It could tell you how I've lived a Nick/Jess life and how that tension nearly buried me alive. How it look a long time for me to live bravely because I was afraid of a lot of things. How the truth made me anxious, especially if it wasn't reciprocated, and so I generally hid from it. 

But I want this post to say something different. 

I want this post to tell you that you have a choice. 

You have a choice in the way things happen to you. You have a choice to be defeated or to stand tall and firm. You have a choice to own what happens to you, and to believe it all works for His glory. You have a choice to put on Armor and to believe it holds you fast. 

You have a choice to treat people with respect. You have a choice to be kind and to speak life and to offer encouragement. You have a choice to laugh in the face of fear or awkwardness or uncertainty. You have the choice to not cause pain, but to be a balm to someone's soul. You have the choice to swing someone's day towards wholeness. You have a choice to bring heaven here to earth. 

You have the choice to be brave and to live as the King's son and daughter that you are. 

Life happens fast. It really does. There's the Ferris Bueller quote that says life passes by and there are the moms who say their teens were just babies yesterday and there are the comments that life is fleeting, but y'all it is just that. We can't waste it, because time is precious. There is no pressure, but there is value in our time and there is value in what we do. 

A wise friend said this to me once, "we are witnesses of the coming re-creation of heaven and earth. witnesses of God's industry to restore that which has been ruined. without our witness, our testimony, how can people hear & know that Jesus is making all things new?"

And it changed the way I lived. 

What will change the way you live?

I urge you to live graciously. I urge you to live kindly. I wake up every morning and go to bed every night pleading for the same thing // Lord, help me to be gracious and kind. I urge you to change your story if you need to. I urge you to make today the day and lean hard into Christ. I urge you to get down on your knees and cry out loud to the One who has never left you or forsaken you. 

We get to live this life! Let His great Love fuel you. 

A Letter for Those Who Feel like Fear May be Winning

Dear Friends. 

Fear can lap at your heels like a threatening current, bite at your ankles like something wild, crowd above your head like a swarm of bees. Fear is notorious for taking you under, swallowing you whole, leaving you alone and in pain. Fear is no friend. 

There are the days when fear doesn't want to die, and it comes around and revisits like an old, unwanted friend. It'll sit in your head and try to make its way down to your heart. It'll attempt to get comfortable in the places where it thinks you don't notice. Fear hasn't won any battle, but Fear doesn't know that. And so it sometimes stays. 

But hear me when I say this // fear won't always feel so stifling. The closer you draw to Truth, the weirder and dumber fear sounds. I promise you this - YOU WILL BE ABLE TO LAUGH IN THE FACE OF FEAR. 

Fear will never win. 

What I've discovered to be true is what comes in the act of naming fears. There's a real power in the vulnerability and the trust of speaking your fears out loud that sends them trembling. So, speak them to your friends. Speak them to your corner. Speak them to your counselor, your Life group leader, your boss, your spouse, your co workers. It'll lift something, it'll free something, it'll join people in your journey. Speaking it is facing it and Fear doesn't like when you face it. 

My dear friend once asked me, "what are you afraid of?" And days into weeks after I spoke out loud and named it, I realized it was freedom that was hovering over me now. I wasn't afraid anymore. 

So, take heart. 

Lift up your head. 

There is great hope. 

There is a God who is fearless in His pursuit of you. Who is right there with you. It's a part of His character to turn all things to good, even and especially the hard graces. 

And days from now, weeks from now, years from now, you'll be able to see the asset, the value, of this wonderful story He was and is telling through your life. It will blow you away. 

Fear can't take that from you. 

Lift up your head. 

xoxoxo

Speak to your Soul

People talk about their safe places. Where's your place that you feel safe, connected to God? My counselor always tells me to find that place to spend time just being with the Lord. Not necessarily reading or talking or praying, she says, but just a presence with Him.

If you know me long enough, you know about my spot. 

My friends know that if they're coming over to my place and it's a nice day outside, don't even bother coming to the front door. Just walk around back to my spot. I'll be there. 

I've done a lot of searching out there, a lot of wrestling. I've spent entire days out there, I've eaten meals out there. I have cried sweet tears out there, I have laughed and felt the deepest of joy out there. I've done some good listening. I've even hauled living room furniture out there because people are over and I just don't want to go inside. 

Another safe place is with my people.

There's a family that has lived life alongside me for a majority of the past four years. Their home is a safe place for me. It's there that I've had rich conversations by the fire, deep laughter over a cup of tea, sweet encouraging prayer. I find it no coincidence that during the past year, I've had some of my richest moments with the Lord while spending weekends alone at their house while they've been on vacation. There's an expectancy there, a presence of the Lord for me there. My soul rests there because I am safe there. 

Where does your soul rest?

I read a blog post recently by John Ortberg on how to care for the most important part of you. He says that these days, we're always talking about self care and how there are a lot of books written about the importance of self-talk. People are always talking to themselves. 

But in the Bible, he says, people talk to their souls. 

The next time you get angry or upset or dissatisfied or afraid, instead speak to your soul - soul, why are you so afraid? Why are you so angry? O my soul, why are you downcast?

Ortberg writes that in the soul exists the presence of God and when we speak to our souls, it naturally turns to prayer because God is there. You are the keeper of your soul, he writes, but just its keeper and not its captain. The more we focus on our selves, we neglect our souls. The soul is like an inner stream of water that gives strength, direction, and harmony to every other area of life.

I like that.

In my recent quest for defining self care, maybe it's been more about soul care. Maybe in moments of confusion and desperation in this season of disorientation, maybe it's my soul that has needed the most care. On top of speaking truth to myself, maybe I need to speak deep to my soul.

My dear friend and I went out to lunch the other day and I shared a little bit about my season (to which she spoke the two most powerful words in the English language - me too). And we were both baffled and intrigued about the idea of rest. What is rest, how do we rest? Because resting cannot possibly mean a physical rest. It cannot possibly mean lying down and taking a nap. It cannot possibly mean getting a pedicure (holla) or taking a day off. It includes all these things, that is for sure, but these are just symptoms. A response to what it truly is.

Maybe it's a presence of the Lord kind of thing.
A speaking to our souls.
A being safe and resting there.
A deep calls to deep, like Psalm 42 says.