A Letter for Those Who Feel Like They Can't Do the Hard Thing

Hey friends. 

This post was headed in a completely different direction. 

I feel like I've been dragging lately. I feel like I'm juggling fourteen things at once with just two hands and I can't do them all well and I am just oh so tired. All the hard things. If I could just stop feeling so much or discipline myself to go to the gym more or do schoolwork every night. I want to throw all structure and calendars into a fiery flame. can i get an amen?

I had lunch with a dear corner friend today, and we just processed all the hard things. Each of us in two very different seasons, but each a resounding me too. And I was so comforted. That women helping women can breathe hope into tired wearied souls. And what keeps resounding in my head is dig in, dig in, dig in. 

So, this letter is to say I know. I hear you, sisters. Life is sometimes hard and messy and stops for no man.

But I want to breathe hope today. 

This hard thing that we've chosen or that we've been called to or that has been dumped into our lives like something unwanted, lets say it's possible. The it can look like daily, practical discipline, or maybe it is just surviving. 

Is school your hard thing? Any kind of school // middle, high, college, graduate. Maybe you just hate learning, or maybe you love it but it's a hard semester, or maybe you're just not good at it. It's taking more discipline than you have - financially, socially, relationally. 

Or maybe it's your next new adventure that is taking more out of you than you were willing to sacrifice. Maybe you're just exhausted // of the unknown and the new and the discomfort. 

Or maybe you know what you need to do LIKE GET YOUR BUTT TO THE GYM OR GET YOUR FACE IN THE WORD. And you blame exhaustion that is keeping you from doing it. 

I say amen to all of that. A-men. 

Life is hard. Marriage and parenting and work and friendships and finances and family // I think it's all a hard balancing act. Each one a place of refining all on its own, much less combined! Praise God for these hard places, yeah? Somewhere in the hard graces, they keep us flailing back to Him. They keep us remembering and living grace upon grace, gratitude and freedom, and this new life we have. 

So maybe you just need this today // Adjust, take that step that you've been hesitating to take. Stay up later to study, find a rhythm, get a workout buddy, ask for help, meet with someone to go through your finances. Have that hard conversation. Above all, REST. Then get up and get moving.

Come on, let's do it together. Dig in and do what's hard. 
Lean hard into this thing. I promise you this is all a worthy sacrifice.

But, then there are those of you {of us} who are in the meantime. 
This time of waiting is your hard thing. There really isn't much you can do on your end to change this circumstance that you so desperately want to see changed. 

I spent most of last week listening to North Point Church's latest series and feeling burdened. For those in a season that they just don't want. For those in a season they just didn't ask for. For those who can't see the end. For those who have prayed the prayers of Paul (remove this thorn) and of Jesus (take this cup). For those who haven't yet reached your power is made perfect in my weakness or nevertheless your will be done. For those that have reached that peace, that surrender, but just need an every day reminder. 

Maybe you've prayed so many times face down in the carpet to realize that maybe this is the road God is calling you to walk. 

So, hear me when I say. 
Where you are is valid. 
When you're not sure where God is taking you, I know. 
Let me believe for you // unfailingly and unflinchingly. 
I believe {because our God is a good God} that you can live in this meantime and experience abundant joy. 

You can do the hard thing. 
You can walk this road. 

Name it, speak it out loud, run head first into whatever scares you. I really believe that is one part of the key to the beginning of freedom, of surrender. Fear loses all its power when you tell it who's boss. The hard season may remain, yes, but now there is room for joy to rush out of it. It's the way our God works. 

Maybe this letter is your freedom. You're allowed to have those kinds of days where you acknowledge the hard. There are some chosen hards, some unchosen. Give ourselves some time, some tears, some mentalwork, and a clarifying moment may emerge that asks, can we glorify God in these seasons? 

The road may seem hard and long, and the end unclear. The why may not have been answered. But you are not alone. Our God promises to be with us, especially in the meantime. Especially in the hard. And He's not only with us, He's gone before us. He's not surprised by anything. And He loves you. I believe He is working something beautiful in your story, something that will blow you away, even when you feel like you can't see up from down. The value of where you are, where you've been, where you're going // well, it's more than you could imagine for yourself. 

Tbh, I really don't know a whole lot. I don't know how to explain it. But I do know God is good. He comes and pursues each of us uniquely. It's all such a mystery sometimes, but He is constant and good. Sovereign and divine. Compassionate and gracious. He cares deeply for the lost sheep, the lost coin, the lost minds (hand raised). 

Take a deep breath. 
You don't have to have it all figured out.

Rest (and Pumpkin Spice Lattes)

We have a really good friend who is a leader of one of our High school girl's Lifegroups. I find myself constantly referencing her, praising her. She's that great // she loves our girls so well.

She's a public school teacher, and the other day we went to her high school and had lunch with her. It's one of my favorite parts of my job // entering into the schools, going to where our students are. Talking with them, meeting their friends, encouraging the teachers who lead with us. It's such a highlight for me. 

This particular school day, we asked our leader what she sees in teenagers on a daily basis. What do they need, what are they struggling with, what is real to them. And she said, "rest. They need rest. To stop, to unplug, just rest."

Rest. 

And that latched on to something in my brain and wouldn't let go. 

I have always misunderstood rest. It's a need to unplug, yes, and it's a need for physical rest, yes // but it has to be so much more. There is a restorative nature to it. 

To rest is to restore. 

There has got to be a calm about resting, a lying down in green pastures.

A pause. 

So, lately I've been practicing the discipline of restoring. 

• I've woken up late one day, at the time I should have been somewhere. But something in me just sat up, shrugged my shoulders, got ready without rushing, stopped by Starbucks for a PSL, and made it to prayer time.
• I've chatted with my long distance soul sister. We shared all our recent learnings and encouraged one another, in the usual and in the new. 
• I've wandered around Target with a pumpkin spice latte and bought some organizational supplies (praise God from whom all blessings flow). 

And what I am discovering is that, for me, rest is being present in the moment I am currently in. Not leaping ahead, not going over and over what's behind, but being here. Tell my thoughts to CHILL OUT, I will get to you later.  

Rest is weirdly elusive and stupidly mysterious. And so maybe this blog post was just written to point you to a better blog post // will ya go to werewolfjesus.com and read what rest really does for our souls?

I particularly love this part //

"I think this has been a vital first lesson - not just because of the general importance of rest, but because it brings us weirdly closer when we help each other pursue rest. The rested versions of ourselves are more thoughtful and less snippy and have greater self-control. The rested versions of ourselves say thank you and give advice and share stories. But most  importantly, the rested versions of ourselves carve space to sit with Jesus and be reminded of who (and whose) we are. We stop demanding completion and affirmation from each other. We are recharged to love each other better and deeper when we spend time with Love."

And that takes me back to our Life Group leader. 
And what we all need. 
We're all in pursuit of this rest, because oftentimes the rested versions of ourselves is the better versions of ourselves. And these words are helping me realize that my rested self leads to my best self, which in turn helps others to be their best and fullest selves. What a cool cycle! We remind each other of who we are.

So, go rest. 
Go take a nap. Work out. Do something active. Read. Write. Paint. Sing. Listen to a podcast. Drink PSLs. Bake something. Create something. Memorize Scripture. Drink a cup of coffee. Be still. Have a life giving conversation with someone. Spend time with Jesus. Whatever it looks like, practice rest (like for me, right now, I am currently at Amelie's not doing any schoolwork. Because I just felt like writing. My soul rests).

I told my Life group this the other day, and so I'll tell you too. If I look out of it and disengaged and disoriented, will you ask me if I've written lately? Because that's how I pursue rest, that's where I am quieted and calmed and present and restored. A dear friend asked me that once quite a few years ago in a season of crisis and it helped restore my mind after a long period of not writing. And I think that question was the first step in this journey of rest // this better, recharged-to-love, version of me. 

So, how do you pursue restorative rest?
Can I help you get there?

Mind

I don't think my mind works like most people's. Does it, do you people get like this? 

How do I put this .. nothing leaves my mind. I've got a full plate up there. If I haven't talked about it or written it down or faced each thought with the care it needs (bless it, bless my needy little mind), it stays up there. 

I think a large part of it is because I love puzzles. I love the real life ones. It's why I love Law and Order SVU, why I love doing receipts at work, why I love a task that has an obvious result. 1+1 = 2. If I spend time on this - researching and studying and reading and writing and talking - it will equal this. I roll around in the details with joy and throw them in the air like confetti because one day THEY WILL FORM SOMETHING GLORIOUS. 

This + this = that. 

But hello, I work with people. I'm in ministry. I'm a pastor. There is no formula, people are messy, I'm messy, there is no this + this = that. Sometimes things aren't where they are supposed to be and sometimes people disagree and sometimes change happens. And as 'normal, everyday life' as that sounds, it always gives me pause. 

It's one of my favorite things that God has ever taught me. That sweet, patient, gracious God. He always whispers to me, "If you always focus on the answer, you will miss the big picture."

And that's it. I miss it. I write this to remind myself tonight and tomorrow and then again next week. With my obsessive love of to-do lists and crossing things off and putting things where they need to go, I am missing it. I step back and gasp at what the faithfulness of God has created. All of these tasks I do, they are important! But as a small part of the larger piece of Kingdom work. And all the things I stressed about or wondered about are (let's be honest) major on the minor. And I can see that God works without needing to know where storage bins are or check in computers go. His work isn't limited by our human competence (or incompetence, amen? Amen).  

I love the way I've been made. I love the way my mind works. I love that I am a thinker, that my mind is vibrant and alive and full of poignant thoughts. It likes to check and double check and double check again. It makes me, me. 

But above that and above all. 
God is good. His work is good. He's got good, mighty, and powerful things up His sleeve. And as my friend always used to tell me, God is a sneaky God. So go forth with EYES OPEN. and don't miss what He's doing.  

You Will Just Know

Everybody has the hard days. 

The days of darkness, sadness, insecurity, suffocating doubt, whatever it may be. A weight, a burden, a heaviness. Something in a hard fight stealing your joy, perhaps. 

I remember a particular day. 

A particular day when I called my corner for some insight, some advice. Corner did just that // gave prayer, life, encouragement. Encouraged me to seek others, pray, to believe the Spirit of God is greater than anything. It was so life giving. 

But I remember at the end asking specifically // but how will I.. know? How will I know when this is lifted? How will I know if I am out of the valley? In other words, how will I know if all of this is working?

And I remember the answer given // you will just know. you will feel a spirit of freedom. 

The "you will just know" answer.

That timeless response, the 'trust me, trust yourself' answer.

The answer of faith. 

And I remember occasionally in the weeks and months that followed having good days and feeling free and thinking, but is this a spirit of freedom? Is this me 'just knowing'? Or this just a good day?

But now. This is what it means. I just know. 

In the two months since my last post was written (but does anyone really read this blog?), I've had the best trip of my life to see my Colombian friends, participated in the wedding of dear sweet friends, dumped a bucket of water on my head (twice), discovered Johnnyswim, read lots of books, sobbed my way through Fault in our Stars, ate pizza at midnight with ADVANCE friends in Atlanta, and learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. 

phew. what a summer. 

And amidst all the activity and the growth and the challenge and the PURE JOY, is this constant persistent thought. I love closing a chapter, I love writing about it, I love evaluating a season, I love a good takeaway. And this one keeps coming back // in all my seasons. Whenever I self-examine and turn around and look back, this always seems to be my learning //

God is good. 

At times, it's been quieter and has sat meekly in a corner of my mind. It's raised its hand, but hasn't tried to shout over the lies that boast for attention. It's been quiet and the one to take the most beating (I mean, come on, what is good!?). Until now // when its shed it's cliche layer. And now most clearly, in the jumble that change sometimes brings and through so many questions and so many thoughts of pure joy and newness,

this thought roars so loud and clear. 
God is so good.

It's my takeaway, my knowing, my solidifying confirmation of the character of God. 

He's gracious and compassionate and it's the kindness of God that leads us to repentance. He is all of these things and He does not lead his children into destruction. I catch my breath and lose it for a minute when I think about the incomparable greatness of a Creator who allows our hard edges to be refined and made more whole, full, and free. It's magnificent. 

This light, this confidence, this freedom. This gracefulness, this wholeness, this gratitude. This rest, this newness. In process, yet still the me I was made to be. 

I just know. 

A Letter for My Single Ladies

Dear friends. 

Look around you.
This time is so, so sweet.

There's this weird "not yet married" trap that we can fall into. Who decided that was a thing!? Maybe it's the world or the enemy or the whispers we hear of not enough or graceless truths from other people. But if we identify with the sigh of not there yet, oh my friends, we can miss the beauty happening RIGHT NOW.

Can we love the journey and this story God is writing in each one of us?

My dear single friends.  

I feel like some of you need to hear this. 

Take heart. Lift up your head. 

Your story is alive and it's valid. 

Some of you have dated a lot and can't find fulfillment. Some of you have been hurt and have been told mean things and had your identity crushed. Some of you have compromised yourself and aren't sure it's worth another try. Some of you simply have never prioritized dating or marriage and really couldn't care less about the whole thing. Some of you identify as single and you count down each day until you're not. Some of you are frustrated and exhausted and weary.

Whoever you are, wherever you are.
Keep on keeping on. The story is now.
You are being refined and being made more whole now.

Some of my people are in deep struggles that I may never know. On the same note, I am in deep wrestlings that they have never known. It's what makes each of our stories perfectly unique // that the places where God has chosen to pull me closer to Him are different than the ways He is drawing closer to you. It's one of the ways He's such a personal God // that my singleness and your marriage and my work life and your stay at home life are all part of refinement. It's not a formula, or one thing over another.

The summer before I was going off to college (many moons ago), a neighbor revealed her excitement for me by exclaiming, "Oh, college! Those were the best four years of my life!"

I remember thinking, how sad. And that woman's weird encouragement worked to ignite me and I vowed to make the best years of my life the ones I was living.

The best is always the present and the best is always coming, because God says I want the best for you. I am the way. And you can meet me now. The best isn't past and you haven't missed the best.

I don't want to speak generically, because we're all on unique journeys. I don't want to make blanket statements and claim to know what God is up to in each of our lives. But I do want to take you by the face, look you in the eye, and whisper hope deep into your soul. I want to ignite encouragement that your story is bigger than maybe you ever dreamed.

Can you trust that this is your story?
There are no accidents. We are loved not by an absentminded God who forgets His children, but by a passionately, fiercely loving God who is right with us in this life. He knows your very being and knows your very fabric.

You are on a wild, rich journey. Delight yourself in the Lord.
I can't wait to see where He takes you. It will blow you away. 

xoxoxox

Birthday Reflections

My birthday makes me so weepy with gratitude. 

I live such a good, good life. I am aware of that on a day to day basis, but it is on my birthday when that sense is heightened. 

See, I had a friend tell me once a few years ago that birthdays are always important, no matter how old you are. I think I had shrugged my shoulders, mentioned I was turning 24, no big deal, just another birthday. To which he said NO. BIRTHDAYS ARE SPECIAL. 

It changed the way I see this day. 

My "new year" isn't January 1. It's June 2. I make new commitments, new prayers, new hopes, new what ifs. I gaze, full of awe, at the year that has passed and I am filled with hope at what is to come. And.it.just.makes.me.cry. It's like the small picture gets put on hold for a day and I can see this beautiful story of a life laid out in front of me and it makes me gasp at its beauty and adventure, wonder and grace. 

The story is hard. The journey has not been painless. Becoming real and whole and a fullest self is a battle this side of heaven. But this refinement is sweet and this glorifying God is where life begins and God is shaping souls to be his mouthpiece, his image, He has given us LIFE. 

Lift up your head. 
Hold on tight. 
It's a wild ride. 

At the close of this day - after so many laughs and games of wiffleball and hugs and squeals of joy and food (so much food) and fun (so much fun) and corner (so many people huddled close in my corner) - I am confident that this life is right where I am supposed to be. That, by His grace, He has landed me right exactly HERE and has lavished this sweet fragrance of His goodness all over this life I live. 

It is astounding. 
Maybe when I get to heaven, I'll be able to truly articulate this gratitude that swells from deep within, that makes my eyes well when I think about my people and the love they give me. I cannot fathom a God who literally turned sorrow to joy, and yet it is the life He has breathed and rescued and allowed me to lead. It is the story He is telling. 

Yes, oh yes, birthdays are special. 

When You Enter the Promised Land

Remember.

The Bible is full of charges for us to remember. Moses speaks to his Israelite people before they arrive in the promised land and he tells them specifically to remember. Remember the Lord, remember what He has done, remember to love Him with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Remembering must be a lifestyle. 

teach it to your children. 

repeat it again and again. 

talk when you sit in your home. 

when you walk. 

when you are going to bed. 

when you are getting up.  

tie them on your hands and wear on your forehead as reminders. 

write them on your doorposts. 

Write it on your hearts. 

Because when you enter the promised land // when your trial is over, when you make it out of your cave, when your sadness and darkness and fear is over, when the Lord brings you into the land he swore to give you, with great and good cities that you did not build, and houses full of good things that you did not fill, and vineyards and olive trees that you did not plant, when you eat and are full //

do not forget the Lord, who brought you out of slavery. 

It is a call to see the riches and goodness of where you are and remember who got you there. 

I think remembering is one of our best tools. I think it's tied so closely with our hearts. In Ephesians 6 when we put our armor on, I think the helmet of salvation that we cloak our minds with whispers remember. 

Remembering frees us in moments of crisis. It centers us in moments of disorientation. It relieves us in moments of burden. Remembering stills us in moments of fear. It fuels us in moments of gratitude. It gives hope for today and for the journey tomorrow. 

What helps you remember?

• Cement dates and times in mind and in heart, to draw attention when anniversaries arrive and important dates come. Dates of your freedom, dates of answered prayers. 
• Screenshot encouraging text messages and pictures (I do this LIKE A BOSS) and save them to a folder. Scroll through them to remember.
• Write, write, write. Then go back and read, read, read. 

This week is a big week of remembering for me. A big week of celebrating. I've been face first in old journals, just breathing in remembrance. It's got a sweet fragrance.