I carry the question of 'why' with me everywhere I go. I weigh the 'why' answer against every action I do. And not in a 'why am I here in this world' kind of thing, because I know the answer to that (praise Jesus), but more of an examination of my motives. What I am driven by. Am I working for myself? Do I do these things to get recognition? To gain knowledge? Am I being used for something bigger? Do I just like to hear myself talk?
It's been a critical analysis. I have found myself jolted awake by the pounding words to my heart WHY ARE YOU HERE? And I'll answer 'because I love students and I love volunteering.' Or 'because I love to learn.' And the pounding always pushes for more : BUT WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? NO. REALLY. WHY ARE YOU HERE? And it always causes me to pause and think. Is it to make my name great? Am I really in my heart living my life to make His name great?
God will suffer no rival.
I hope I'm not alone when I say it's been hard. Life gets familiar and it's easy to get lost going through the motions. I search for routine and structure and organization and work at getting my obligations down. But I've come to a place of conviction where I realize I don't want to live that way anymore. I don't want to do things just to do them or fulfill duties out of obligation. I don't want my motives to be empty. I don't think it's good enough anymore to answer the 'why' question with 'because I'm needed' or 'because they're good things.' Those may be true, but I think if my sole answer isn't to glorify God and make His name great, well, then what I do is meaningless.
Glorifying God comes in a lot of different shapes and sizes. I love my job because I get the chance to influence kids with the Gospel. I am inspired by volunteers who work hard. I work with a wonderful team who challenges and encourages and prays. I love going to class because learning stimulates me to grow. I love writing because it's been an incredible discipline for me. I want to be a counselor because I want to pour out Jesus Christ. I love volunteering with students because I think high school is such a formative time and I want girls to have positive influences and to know what matters.
I look at all those things and think God can be glorified through them all. But I know I can say one thing and do another, say one thing and feel another, and I pray fervently for a pure heart that remains rooted in keeping God first and foremost centered in my mind. I want to be a vessel of the Spirit, but it's me that gets in the way. Sometimes it's so subconscious! It's an uncomfortable process to tear away the inner gunk called sin nature, but through that process, I count myself grateful for a God who changes gunk to refinement.
It also serves as a good reminder when something doesn't go the way I want it to or I just have too much on my plate. I stomp my feet like an impatient infant and wallow in paralysis. And then I hear that voice say WHY ARE YOU HERE. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS. And I'm reminded that it's not about me.
God will suffer no rival.
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