A Psalm 40 Story

I'm a girl who loves Jesus.

I'm a girl who thinks reading is the best use of time. Who believes in the power of community. Who thinks words have the power of ultimate healing. Who asks too many questions. Who's scared of roller blades. Who just discovered Coldplay.

I'm a girl with a story. A song.

A story and a song about the inexplicably wonderful, unfathomable, immeasurable grace of God.

I grew up in church. In a wonderful, Gospel centered church that I am blessed to be still be a part of. Sunday school was tables of rice and felt figures of Noah's animals. Middle school was awkward Bible studies and faithful leaders. High school was mission trips and lock ins. I was that girl that attended several Vacation Bible Schools in one summer and received stellar marks in Bible memorization. God was my ambience..

but He wasn't Lord of my life. I was religious, but not a disciple. My faith was shallow and lacked the heart.

And then college came and I shipped myself 900 miles away. It became harder and harder to find a church, to find genuineness in my faith. In four years, my words became sharp, my tongue harsh, my actions impure, my thoughts ugly, my nature prideful. I ran to God when my guilt was too much and once a verse here and a verse there soothed me over, I cut a quick path back to my self righteousness lifestyle.

After graduation, I reluctantly kicked and screamed my way back to Charlotte and parked my 'I'm going back to Boston as soon as I get the chance' attitude. I immersed myself in my church again because I loved it there - all the while hatching plans for an escape back to a college kind of life. A life without Christ, a life without vulnerability, accountability, prayer. A life of prideful behavior, undisciplined thoughts, and impure actions.

Oh, but then some dear, faithful, awesome Jesus loving friends asked me to be a part of their bible study on Wednesday nights. ha. ha. I was too cool for bible studies. Accountability was for losers. But their persistence won me over and I found myself on their living room couch. And as the weeks turned into months, I was shockingly IN LOVE. with the idea of community, the concept of people being together, reading Scripture. It was refreshing, in every sense of the word.

And then one night, it happened. WHAT IS THIS. IS THIS WHAT THE GOSPEL IS ALL ABOUT? He became sin who knew no sin? The wind was knocked out of my sails and I was stunned to my knees. This Jesus, the Christ, this Savior has redeemed every part of me, every part - thoughts, words, actions. and somewhere along the way, I had missed that. I had failed to live that. But His grace is wider than any of our attempts at living life our way and it swallowed me in.

I was baptized!

And then the real battle began.

The daily wrestling of how to fully give my life away. How do I do this - this life fully for Christ? And then my family left my church to join another and the seams began to unravel. The harsh truth and the conviction stared me down every day - in where does my faith lie? in my parents? in my church? or in this ever present, ever constant, faithful Redeemer who laid down His life for me?

It was a critical analysis as fear, anxiety, and judgment gripped me and became my daily language. I became weak of stomach and full of tears. I became harsh of tongue and quick to anger. My thoughts were full of lies and constant and untamed.

But the grace of God!

Oh how it saves.

Psalm 40 is the song of a God who hears our cries. Who raises us up from pits of destruction and sets our feet on solid ground. He puts a new song in our mouths, words of praise. We are new creations with new stories. And no matter how wide or deep or high our miry bogs are - His grace is that much wider, higher, deeper.

This grace of God - it gives us a new song to sing, a new story to tell, a new life to live. We are never too far from His love. We have HOPE and we rest in the knowledge of Jesus - that He loves us fiercely, with a deeply passionate love, and that He is a good, good Father who loves what He created.

Tim Keller says, "Truths about God's glory and Jesus's saving work are not just believed with the mind, but create inner music and an inner relish in the soul. And because the object of this song is not favorable life circumstances (which can change) but rather the truth and grace of Jesus (which cannot), this heart song does not weaken in times of difficulty."

Our songs, our inner music is not based on what we do or what happens to us or how our circumstances look in the moment. It is based on the pure love and pure truth and grace of Jesus, which is unshakeable and unchangeable.

So take heart. Root yourselves deeply in the love of God. Turn to Jesus, get down on your knees in confession and repentance, and feel His grace, peace, and forgiveness wash over you. Live your life by the death and resurrection of Christ. And when you stumble and fall and fail and weep, remember your heart song. It is rooted in something that cannot be shaken.

So. I'm a girl who strives, desires, seeks - who loves God and loves people and who gets it wrong a lot of the time and does no good on her own - but who, in her heart, is learning dependency and humility and a deep deep love for this Savior Jesus Christ.

And that's grace. It's chipping away at my heart. It is only by His grace that we are able to live faithful lives committed to Him.

That's my story. And that's my song.