Refresh

Last week, I completely forgot. completely.

I couldn't remember all the things I had learned, all the set free and stand firm. All the confidence and boldness. All the hope! Has that ever happened to anyone else? My mind felt so foggy.

Stand firm! hold fast! be strong! 

But last week, my mind said no.

It said no. I don't want to. 

The other part of me said BUT WE HAVE TO KEEP GOING. come on! keep moving! GET UP. KEEP GOING. choose, choose, choose.

And my mind sternly said no, laid down, and refused to get up.

I'm screaming at it BUT WE HAVE TO KEEP MOVING. LOOK AT HOW FAR WE'VE COME. We have come so far! so far. all the hope! The Lord has led us so far!

But then in the fog, I got sucked in and I got tired and I just laid down with it. My mind just felt so foggy. 

Can anyone feel me on that!?

My disobedient nature saying no, I like control. Trust feels like a wait and it feels so unknown and I don't like the unknown. Can I be honest for a minute and say it just flat out wears me out? The every day, every day, every day. The choice of every day. every.single.day.

BUT MAYBE.

Maybe that is right where I need to be. 

Maybe that is right where the Lord meets me. Maybe this honesty, this 'I can't and don't want to do this anymore,' maybe that's right where His grace chases me to step in. This desperation, this end, maybe that's just what the Lord desires to work with. 

Sometimes this walk is a crawl and our faith is about the process and Jesus is in the journey. Sometimes we aren't even moving anywhere and maybe that's the point. Just sitting with Jesus. in the presence of.

This desperation.

It's where the Lord calls deep to deep. 

But then. what I am learning.

Yesterday. I got back from Catalyst, a church leadership conference in Atlanta. And where my weary little mind went in, a peaceful little soul came out. And that kind of learning and listening and processing is never overwhelming to me. It's just the kind of thing I thrive on - the reorganization of my mind on what is good and true. A little reminder of the peace of God.

Listening to brilliant minds. What a gift. 

Andy Stanley said, you have no idea what hangs in the balance with your response. Your response, oh it will be your story. To opportunity, to adversity, to calling, to Jesus. oh, it will be your beautiful story. It matters how you respond. That is what you are going to look back on.

And then Matt Chandler said don't you get that He delights in you? In your process, in your pain and suffering, God does not show up late to repair. He is the surgeon who makes the incision. We are sons and daughters of the King and THAT is the vitality of our ministry. 

And over and over, Jesus enters into the mess. To take us where we need to go. 

Each of these could be their own blog post! {and maybe they will}

And I'm trying to think of my biggest takeaway. And it all was. It all was freedom and reminders and remembrances and joy. It was conversations that released burdens. It was talking about and hearing things that mattered. I needed that renewal big time. 

Refreshing. It was refreshing.

because the Lord is good. 

It's always in process and it always needs to be reminded. But my mind feels ready to jump back up in a fresh start and rebuke satan who tries to steal my joy. We've got to be brave, by God's grace, every day. Standing firm HAS to happen ever day. It has to. Believing the Word of God and hearing the voice of God happens every day. Not oh remember that one time when I believed you, God? remember that one time I was set free? that was cool. remember that one time I trusted you?

It's as frequent as breathing in and out.

Because even when you're tired, remembering will refresh you. 

When you're tired, the Word of God will compel you.

Especially when you're tired and spent, Jesus loves you.   

{in process. oh there's more to come}