I have an essay due Monday on the eschatology of the New Testament and a message to learn and give tomorrow, but I've got blog thoughts and they must come. One thing I've learned in the past year or so is that it is essential we do what brings us rest and peace. Or else we become less full versions of ourselves. Doing the things we love make us free.
I've been thinking a lot about the alternative. I'll explain what I mean. I've actually seen it the most in my life when it comes to hope. Hope is so beautiful and life giving and the very breath we breathe, but it's so unbearable, so risky, feels so dangerous. To hope is to believe, to open yourself up and pull it right out into the path of disappointment. Hope is, if I'm being honest, very scary. The letdown feels too much to make hope even an option.
But then, I think about the alternative to hope. Is fear the alternative? Isn't living in fear ultimately the choice we make when we turn our backs on hope? I am convinced it is. I'm convinced we clam up, tighten our fists, curl in a ball, and cringe as each new day comes. Those are the effects of fear. So while hope seems so painfully scary, I know that I do NOT want fear. I'll do anything to avoid a life of fear. I don't really know, but in some cases, I know I don't want the alternative.
So it can be said of my day today.
I don't want to do something. I won't go into what or why or how because to be honest, I don't even know. It's one of those being stuck, hearing lies, confusion kind of things. It's very weird. But anyway, that was my day today. I just sat and stared and couldn't will myself to prepare or do what needed to be done. It was very confusing. On that top of that, I couldn't really quite name it either. Usually once I name a roadblock or a fear, I can sail past it. But this time, I kind of just sat. I knew fear was winning, but it felt like too much of a hard thing to try and overcome. It felt like I was laying down under a slab of concrete.
And the only real comfort I could find was my disdain for the alternative. I was choosing the alternative. While I don't want to do this thing, I don't want to not do it (haha. double negative). I never want fear to win.. ever. And that certainty in my life (fear=death) is helping me walk slowly towards wholeness, towards the hard thing. Maybe it's too overwhelming to pick the answer or decide right away, but what if we eliminated options? Fear is off the table. Backing down is out of the question. Disengaging is not on the radar. Rejecting people is just not an option. Now what? What now? What is left? And while that may seem scary, it's not fear winning. Because in the end, you'll end up choosing something that fear says you couldn't.
mmm. yes.
So, there are those things you and I are not quite sure about. It's the life of being in seminary, I guess, or maybe it's just our plight as humans. You believe something your whole life and then you learn something new and you think, why did I ever believe that one thing in the first place? No seriously, you really cannot remember ever coming to that conclusion. Did it just appear in your brain (?), and now new knowledge is threatening to change it (hi readers. nice to meet you. i hate change. k. bye). Or the craziest is when YOU change. You become more whole and free and real. No joke. Being alive is exhausting.
So I camp out in the Gospels and read about the person of Jesus because I think sweet relief, He never changes. He is the best choice, He is Hope, the greatest alternative to fear. I think he would say, "my girl, get out from under that slab of concrete and start doing the hard thing. It's a part of how you grow. Fear is powerful, but I am more powerful. We can do it. It's messy and weird and you probably won't get it right the first or tenth time, but fear.will.not.win. My grace is much, much bigger." I'm sure He gave that speech to Peter a handful of times.
Okay, back to work. Seeya when I seeya.
No comments:
Post a Comment