Just How Valuable Play is

There is so much value in play.

I don't know how long this post is going to be or where it's even going, but I just want to say just that. 

There is incredible value in playing and there is incredible value in games. 
Go play something. 
Count it all as self care.

If you read this blog or know me at all, you know me. You know I'm a deep thinker, but specifically a deep feeler. All the things. I can't even. I could go on and on about how they are my greatest strength and also at times my biggest weakness (my mind and my emotions) yes yes, but the point here is this //

One day this week, I had a lot on my mind (story of my life). It felt like too much to wade through just yet, so I went to my safe place. And there, I met refuge. I always meet refuge there, but this time it came in the form of a sweet balloon game.

One of my favorite friends and I (she's six), we had a balloon. And we started playing the game where you have to keep it off the ground, you know the one I'm talking about. The rules are simple, it's just like volleyball. Each player takes a turn hitting the balloon in the air and if it falls on your turn, the other person gets a point. But only one hit at a time!

It's intense! You know how unpredictable balloons can be.

My friend I just played and played. Every game had a halftime, with dancing and laughter. She's good at the game too, so I stayed on my toes. 

And I can't tell you what a relief it was. Sweet relief. 
A sweet release of burden.

Go play tomorrow, friends. 

The Third Thing

I can't take full credit for this blog.

The words are mine, yes.

The thoughts are mine, sure yes. 

But the wisdom? I cannot take credit for it. I've got some great people in my corner who look me in the eye and say we believe in you! here's some wisdom! let us help you as you journey on! 

Every time I write, you get a glimpse into my people. You're welcome.

One of these people asked me the other day what my third thing is. 

What's your third thing, he said. 

What's the thing that you're neither achieving in nor competitive at? What's your place, where you can relax, your outlet? Besides 1) work and 2) school, what's your 3) thing?

my third thing!

So I started thinking about this third thing (to help with the hard thing). And what sometimes happens with these kinds of thoughts and these kinds of prayers is you often just stumble into the answer and find yourself face first in it. It's the way God sometimes works. Like, for example, how another one of my people gave me a cookbook suggestion a few weeks ago and I started sitting down and meal planning and looking at recipes and it all came together my third thing! 

I have never been much of a meal planner. Or a cook. I just never made time for it. Girl gotta eat, but girl don't think ahead on what to eat. It made for an exhausting (and expensive) and confusing (lol) lifestyle. But the times that I did make time for it, I found that I loved being in the kitchen! I love the activity of it, the task of it, the idea of it. Music on, hands busy. I delighted in it. 

I wasn't making time for the things I delighted in. 

What a tragedy. 

I've taken on meal planning/cooking/baking/time in the kitchen as my third thing. It's teaching me discipline, time management, how to relax. It's giving me TIME, time to take the thoughts of the day and swirl them around, keeping some and throwing some away. It's giving me an excuse to buy another moleskine and create another schedule. It's giving me time to decompress after a work day. Time to cushion and breathe before I start school work. IT ALSO GIVES ME FOOD AND SUSTENANCE SO I CAN SURVIVE. There's also that. 

And the more I think on it, the more I think this is really important. If my third thing doesn't win, if I don't choose my third thing, I choose apathy. or fear. There's a lot riding on the third thing, and oh man, that gives me so much freedom. 

So, I'll choose to spend an hour and a half in the grocery store and shop with purpose (holla at Kip Green, who roamed that store with me like a boss). I'll choose to cook ground beef at 9:00 at night (because sometimes, people, that's what it takes). I'll choose to smell all the things - garlic! thyme! parsley! cilantro! 

It's what I'm always learning. I am doing over and over again, am reminded over and over again, to take time to do what I love. To do the things that fill my soul, that I delight in, that bring me rest and peace. A place I can hit the pause button on all the things and breathe deep and free. Writing is another one, because you know I'm all about that. I've found myself in this sweet, desperate place where I am willing to do what the third thing takes. Pursue it, sacrifice for it. Because the measure of its worth is invaluable. 

Faith over Fear

Hey! It's me, just talking about the mind again.

I had a weird end to 2014. Weird may not be the best word to describe it, but I'm going to go with it. Leadership is hard, it's really hard, because it shows us ourselves and I found myself running head first into MYSELF the last few months or so. I love being stretched and learning new things and having what I previously believed challenged and all that comes with it. But, come on. My Narnia people, you know in the Last Battle when they reach the new Narnia and the unicorn keeps saying come further in, further up! closer to the King! I had a lot of further in, further up this year. 

It's weird, but then somewhere along the way, I thought too many hard things now, too many hard things ahead, too much going up. And I just kind of .. stopped. It was fear winning over faith, but hey, a girl gets tired every once in a while. Amen? Real or not real is exhausting. Filtering words and actions through the armor of God is draining. Running through the ringer and exposing all that ick just flat out takes higher strength. Further in, further up is a tough climb. Can I get an amen? Leadership is hard? TRY BEING HUMAN IS HARD. All defenses are down and it's very, very confusing. Isn't it, though?

Is it possible to back out slowly in your own journey, hands feeling for the exit? 
yes, yes it is.

Cue the mind.
You all heard me talk about Unbroken in my last post. That story stirred something in me that I think I was so desperate for. You all heard me go on and on about the raft scene (THE BEST). There was something Louie said and believed on the raft, as him and his friends were floating into desperation and uncertainty, not knowing if and when rescue would come. He believed that no matter what happened to their bodies, no matter what happened physically (sunburn, lack of food, no water, sharks), they must not lose control of their minds. It was a muscle, he believed, that would atrophy if left idle. 

So, they told stories. All kinds of stories. Asked questions, all kinds of questions. Shared memories, all kinds of memories. Because Louie believed the mind was the key to survival. If you lost that, you lost everything. 

And then this, 

"Though all three men faced the same hardship, their differing perceptions of it appeared to be shaping their fates. Louie and Phil's hope displaced their fear and inspired them to work toward their survival, and each success renewed their physical and emotional vigor. Mac's resignation seemed to paralyze him and the less he participated in their efforts to survive, the more he slipped. Though he did the least, as the days passed, it was he who faded the most. Louie and Phil's optimism, and Mac's hopelessness, were becoming self-fulfilling."

Keeping the mind going, light and free, well it has more weight and impact than we know. It welcomes in hope. It keeps going, even when you don't feel like it, and brings the rest along with you. It is survival. I don't claim to know much, but I do know that. Fear kills the mind. It shrinks it and makes it cold. 

BUT THERE IS GOOD NEWS. 

The mind can be restored with even the tiniest of steps. 
Fear can be killed with even the smallest of efforts.

A dear student gave me a bracelet for Christmas. 
It says life is a journey.
Then another friend on Christmas Eve noticed it and said me too. I'm learning that too! He said don't you just want to build a nest right where you are and stay there? But isn't God saying, hey let's keep going? He was speaking for him but I was hearing for me and I heard him.

And that small, thoughtful gift and that small, thoughtful moment .. I'm convinced it changed everything. 

I want to choose faith over fear this year. 

This journey is tough, but I want to fight the good fight. I'm tired, but I want to shed apathy and spring forth courageously. I want to keep learning, yet feel rested. I want prayer to kill pride. I want all the things, but most importantly I think I want standing with interlocking shields in a close defense alongside others. 

I want to stand, stand firm, after the battle.

So I say to you what is sometimes hard to say to myself. 
YOU CAN DO IT. I believe in you so much! You can do this hard thing and your hard thing and all the hard things and you can do it because God is with you. In front, beside, and behind. Let me whisper the reals, that choosing faith over fear is the sweetest and most powerful. Oh, how rich your journey is! Oh, how mysterious life is! 

I am proud of you. I believe in you. Let's do faith over fear together this year.
Onward!

The Good Side of the Flu

Can the flu be a good thing?

I had the flu for like six days. I keep telling people I was like the walking dead because that feels most accurate to my situation. I woke up, wandered to the couch, sat/laid there all day, and then wandered back to bed. It was misery. 

But actually, if I'm being honest, it was time well spent. 

I watched so many movies. Like a lot of movies, like a lot of really good movies. I watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy and was hyped up for days on the courage of Frodo, the friendship of Sam, the power of good over evil. I quoted all those wise Gandalf responses as Frodo grieves the cards he's been dealt - "I wish this had not happened in my time." "So do I, and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." I talked to whoever would listen to me (my mom) - "this is such a big deal that the elves, dwarves, and men are all fighting on the same side, against evil. Do you even know!? This is so huge." oh bless it, everyone loves a movie talker.

Then I read the book Unbroken and my little flu-ridden heart swelled with the power of the human spirit. It is one of the most incredible stories and I flew through the pages (if you have read the book, can we please talk about the whole-fighting-off-sharks-while-floating-on-a-raft scene? I can't even. I had so many physical and emotion reactions to that part. Huge shoutout to my friend Matt, who let me retell that scene in the atrium this morning at church. You're the real MVP). Unbroken reminded me that there are people who have lived and who are currently living who are so extremely brave. They have this incredible spirit within them that won't back down, who fight for things and for people, and who seem to withstand all the unbearable trials because they will not stand to perish. And then toss in faith and hope and forgiveness and redemption and Unbroken is all the things.

So I'd say this flu break revived my love of stories, the real and the fantasy. This human desire we innately have to connect with story, it's incredible. I could literally write so many more blog posts at this point at where my mind is wandering, how story is one of the tools that helps me choose faith over fear this year. 

The flu allowed me to STOP. And then to marvel. 
I can't wait to keep going. 
  

The Grinch is Welcome

It's official. 

My favorite Christmas movie is How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Jim Carrey style. 

I love it because it's an incredible story. Dr. Seuss knew how to tell a good story. Redemption, hope, welcoming those who don't feel welcome, all the things. But this year, on the third time through, I'm starting to see this story fully and differently. 

When Cindy Lou-Who goes to the Grinch's lair and invites him to the Whobilation, it feels so important. Because she's just not afraid. She's not afraid of the outcast. She doesn't see him as different. She sees him alone and she sees Christmas and she thinks, "why can't he be a part of this?"

And then she invites him in. She extends an invitation for him to join into what they're doing. She goes to his house, looks him in the eye, and tells him that he's welcome. 

Because everyone is welcome. Even those who seem to reject it and are green and terrifying and are really, really messy, well, they're all welcome. It's really an extraordinary idea. Can you imagine what it would change? If everyone knew they were welcome?

I think it sounds simple, yet the depths of welcome are unfathomable. 

And in this season of Christmas, God came down to us in the form of a baby and told us that we are welcome. Jesus spread his arms and said, "come, you're in!" He changed everything. 

May you experience extraordinary peace, hope, and love this season and a great sense of the invitation you've been extended. You are welcome.

The Alternative

I literally do not have time to write this.

I have an essay due Monday on the eschatology of the New Testament and a message to learn and give tomorrow, but I've got blog thoughts and they must come. One thing I've learned in the past year or so is that it is essential we do what brings us rest and peace. Or else we become less full versions of ourselves. Doing the things we love make us free.

I've been thinking a lot about the alternative. I'll explain what I mean. I've actually seen it the most in my life when it comes to hope. Hope is so beautiful and life giving and the very breath we breathe, but it's so unbearable, so risky, feels so dangerous. To hope is to believe, to open yourself up and pull it right out into the path of disappointment. Hope is, if I'm being honest, very scary. The letdown feels too much to make hope even an option. 

But then, I think about the alternative to hope. Is fear the alternative? Isn't living in fear ultimately the choice we make when we turn our backs on hope? I am convinced it is. I'm convinced we clam up, tighten our fists, curl in a ball, and cringe as each new day comes. Those are the effects of fear. So while hope seems so painfully scary, I know that I do NOT want fear. I'll do anything to avoid a life of fear. I don't really know, but in some cases, I know I don't want the alternative.

So it can be said of my day today. 

I don't want to do something. I won't go into what or why or how because to be honest, I don't even know. It's one of those being stuck, hearing lies, confusion kind of things. It's very weird. But anyway, that was my day today. I just sat and stared and couldn't will myself to prepare or do what needed to be done. It was very confusing. On that top of that, I couldn't really quite name it either. Usually once I name a roadblock or a fear, I can sail past it. But this time, I kind of just sat. I knew fear was winning, but it felt like too much of a hard thing to try and overcome. It felt like I was laying down under a slab of concrete. 

And the only real comfort I could find was my disdain for the alternative. I was choosing the alternative. While I don't want to do this thing, I don't want to not do it (haha. double negative). I never want fear to win.. ever. And that certainty in my life (fear=death) is helping me walk slowly towards wholeness, towards the hard thing. Maybe it's too overwhelming to pick the answer or decide right away, but what if we eliminated options? Fear is off the table. Backing down is out of the question. Disengaging is not on the radar. Rejecting people is just not an option. Now what? What now? What is left? And while that may seem scary, it's not fear winning. Because in the end, you'll end up choosing something that fear says you couldn't. 

mmm. yes. 

So, there are those things you and I are not quite sure about. It's the life of being in seminary, I guess, or maybe it's just our plight as humans. You believe something your whole life and then you learn something new and you think, why did I ever believe that one thing in the first place? No seriously, you really cannot remember ever coming to that conclusion. Did it just appear in your brain (?), and now new knowledge is threatening to change it (hi readers. nice to meet you. i hate change. k. bye). Or the craziest is when YOU change. You become more whole and free and real. No joke. Being alive is exhausting. 

So I camp out in the Gospels and read about the person of Jesus because I think sweet relief, He never changes. He is the best choice, He is Hope, the greatest alternative to fear. I think he would say, "my girl, get out from under that slab of concrete and start doing the hard thing. It's a part of how you grow. Fear is powerful, but I am more powerful. We can do it. It's messy and weird and you probably won't get it right the first or tenth time, but fear.will.not.win. My grace is much, much bigger." I'm sure He gave that speech to Peter a handful of times. 

Okay, back to work. Seeya when I seeya. 

Serial

I've been listening to a lot of Serial lately. 

I say "a lot of Serial" instead of just "Serial" because I have been re-listening to episodes #sorrynotsorry.

It's an amazing podcast, full of crime and intrigue, puzzles and details (all the things I love). I really could go on and on and fill multiple blog posts about it .. but I'll save my verbal processing for my closest friends. 

Serial tells the story of a murder case that happened 15 years ago. We hear piece by piece of the story every week, and it really is so fascinating. But one thing that has grabbed me the most in the ten episodes so far is when the storyteller, Sarah, talks about spin.

Every piece of information has spin, she says. You hear a piece of information, any piece of information - for example, "Adnan was a devout Muslim and because of his family's religion, he hid his relationship from them"- and then it could mean either one of two things. 1) Adnan was a liar. He was deceptive and sneaky and betrayed his family. or 2) Adnan was just like every other American teenager and had a girlfriend. It wasn't an portrayal of poor character, just a illustration that he was just like everyone else. 

There is a side to everything. It's how lawyers win cases. It's how anybody does anything. And so many times throughout Serial, I'm floored by how true that is. How one thing could mean this.. or it could mean this. Which one is the right one? Are they both right? It's confusing, isn't it? Is there a source, in any given situation, for truth?

And so it is with our lives, isn't it? Something happens and as the situation or conversation or whatever takes on a more clear picture in my mind, I wait to see where I will land. Was that person offending me? Were they encouraging me? Was that personal? Was it not personal? I feel like I teeter so much in the middle. Where will the gauntlet land, where will I decide to rest this situation? How will I spin this? Is it spinning? Is it not? Sometimes it feels like such a crapshoot. 

It's why I am so adamant about the Armor of God. It's why I think my pride will eventually be the death of me. It's why I believe prayer is a daily decision of life or death. It's why I'm always whispering to myself "God is always good, I am always loved." It's why I play Real or Not Real. I'm taking a New Testament class this semester while simultaneously learning about Ephesians with ADVANCE and Paul's letters are packed with how to live a wise life. Be kind, be humble, be like Christ. I guess it's all serving as a filter when and as the confusion hits.  

Maybe you're like me and you sense those precious and weighted moments in time. You know what I'm talking about? Those make or break moments, they smack me hard in the face. You're faced with something // and these are the moments where the choice screams before the spin. 

I could go one of two ways, but I want it to be automatic. I want to know where I'm going to land. I want to land in humility, in assuming the best. I want to land in thinking less about myself, more of others. I want to land in kindness, graciousness, compassion. In wisdom, thoughtfulness, Christ-mindedness. It's a daily battle, but I want it to become ingrained in me. 

I'm reading Anne Lamott's new book (Small Victories) and it's gold. She writes about feeling welcome, living a life of welcome (I want to underline and quote the entire thing. I'll save that for another post). But there's this one part in there that I love so much. She writes about her community and how when she first discovered them, their welcome was both lovely and confusing. She said she had always thought of herself one way - "I figured it was obvious I was a fraud and kind of disgusting" - but her friends saw her as someone else entirely - "my friends thought I was irresistible, profoundly worthy of trust." Then she writes this //

"I thought at first that one view must be wrong, so I made the most radical decision, for the time being, to believe my friends." 

Yes, Anne, one view is wrong. When presented with a piece of information (whether Adnan betrayed his family or not.. or in Anne's case, her very being, your very identity), the spin doesn't have to dominate. And each choice towards obedience and wholeness, makes for a more full and free me. 

for the record, for my Serial people, I believe Adnan was trustworthy and just a normal American teenager.